Thursday, 18 April 2013

Sewers and Sorcery – even Orc's poop

Found this while editing - back to proficiencies shortly

Sewers and Sorcery – even Orc's poop

Everyone has to take a dump at least once a day, more like three. Perhaps a non-weapon skill could let you do this all in one go once a day. Check Iron Crown games Scat-Lore tome for a d1000 toiletry and hygiene mishap table (I’m lying). This is a bit silly but dungeons without latrines are even more silly. Even monsters poop.

Latrine table 1d12
1 Lime filled pit
2 Pit into huge almost filled sewerage tank
3 Sinkhole into dark critter filled cave
4 Hole into sewer system
5 Hole into hungry creature pen (pig, cave lobster, etc)
6 Flushing mechanism
7 Tiny water elemental flushing toilet
8 Giant Dung Beetle Tunnel network
9 Pit of hungry rats or maggots or worms
10 Filthy bucket or barrel
11 Gateway to some other dimension
12 Annihilating black void disposal

Paper? 1D12 or choose nothing
1 Tin with dirty water
2 Vase with slightly used water
3 Pages from a torn spell book
4 Sponge on a stick
5 Pile of mouldy leaves
6 Elaborate privy keeper tool set with funnels and tongs
7 Slow moving rodent, bird, puppy or other critter
8 Pointy stick
9 Baby goblin or gremlin attendant or huge caterpillar on a stick
10 Pile of torn rags from innocents
11 Single sheet of magical self cleaning vellum
12 Wand with clean cantrip chained to wall

Toilet Condition 1d12
1 Spotlessly clean and odourless like a noble privy
2 Typical public or tavern
3 Long unused and dried out, fairly odourless
4 Cleanish for dungeon
5 Swarming with parasites like grubs or fleas
5 Fairly horrible, fouled toilet and walls, fishy or eggy
6 Huge spider or frog or other critter nest
7 Toilet snake or giant sewer lobster or tentacle
8 Broken leaking and old, flooded and ready to break
9 Giant rats or swarm of rats
10 Trapped if opened or sat on
11 Cursed (alignment or gender change or other magic)
12 Explodes! Built up gas or huge gas bubble in sewer reverses flow

Who cleans up this mess? 1d12
Why isn't this dungeon knee deep in shit?
1 Giant Slugs
2 Giant dung beetle
3 Gelatinous cube
4 Hungry goblins
5 Worms or maggots
6 Dungeon Swine
7 Giant Rats eat anything organic
8 A golem with a mop and bucket
9 Kobolds brew into biofuel for fire traps
10 Vegepygmies collect for garden
11 Mongrel man with bucket, uses to feed family
12 Zombie collects for mushroom garden


  1. wtf, I only wipe with Charmin . . provided by my petty god, Mr Whipple

  2. Every party should bring a privy keeper,

    Just dropping some orc babies in my portable hole

  3. Historical reenactment reality shows with this detail were pretty funny - TP is so under rated

  4. Interesting post -- thank you for sharing!


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