d100 Thieves Guild Missions

Sequel to my wizard school post. Guilds often give members missions but may also hire outsiders for some matters like not being seen to have members involved. Missions about more than stealing to somebody. I'm thinking of putting guilds, schools, temples companies in my setting with various benefits for members and 10% tithe.

Possible Benefits:Free training for level ups included
Access to libraries, craftsmen, magic item sales, specialist hirelings, expert advice
Pay your ransoms but you must serve them for 7 years if you cannot pay back
Loans with periods of service for those who cannot pay
Legal and medical aid

d100 Thieves Guild Missions
01 Beat up a night watchman by the docks who bothers lots of members
02 Take days earnings from a shop refusing to pay guild protection
03 Break into second story of a bankers townhouse and steal a letter from his desk
04 Find pick pocket from another gang in guild territory and punish them but don't kill them
05 Rooftop burglar from a rival guild has been lured to a rooftop robbery in a sting 
06 Find a way to enter a building possibly an assassins guild
07 Deal with the beggars court and negotiate working with the guild and not with rivals
08 Give a bailiff in the way home from the pub a warning stab but don't kill him
09 Hold up a wagon just outside of town with contraband brandy
10 Shoot an arrow or crossbow bolt and the sewer inspector to scare them when with family
11 Help kidnap some drunks to sell to desperate ship crews
12 Hold up a merchant on the way home with a knife just to scare him
13 Kill or kidnap a magistrate's dog, usually with him or in town house
14 Trick and rob wealthy youths for their dandy threads then leave them gagged and bound
15 Steal a horse from a nobleman who rides daily
16 Steal payroll of a quarry or building site
17 Seek in sewers for who killed some guild members in their secret sewer hideout
18 Cross a body of water at night avoiding the watch with a tax free cargo
19 Replace a minor nobles weapon with a copy by a certain date
20 Burn down a cottage at midnight as a warning to some one
21 Threaten various youth gangs writing graffiti over your guild gang signs
22 Thief not in guild operating in Hay street, picking pockets, robbing houses and shops
23 A rival gang has taken one of your gangs concubines and the boss wants them back
24 A rival gang are meeting ours in a alleyway to discuss turf, we need extra hands
25 An artist needs kidnapping and minding for 4 days then release him
26 Burrow into a cellar through the sewers for another party to enter a townhouse
27 Infiltrate a work prison to break someone out
28 Silence all the guards in a watch tower by a certain time and date
29 Scare a town councillor for his safety so he votes in a way the guild needs
30 Infiltrate caravan guards then help bandits take the goods and merchants prisoner
31 Recruit a youth gang to operate in a area and drive out non allied youth gangs
32 Capture a boat at the dogs and replace crew with guild allied one
33 Raid country house of a noble and kidnap him for ransom
34 Set fire to a pirate ship then recruit surviving crew into the guild
35 Raid a rival gang controlled bar, stab the rival gang members and scare the patrons
36 Leave a dead goat in a local councillors bed as a warning
37 Beat up a restaurant owner in front of customers and family
38 Monks are moving a relic, perfect time for a holy heist, disguises provided to get close
39 Strongbox of gold and bank records being moved on a armoured coach needs robbing
40 Kill leader of upstart new gang as a message
41 Steal a wizards book and familiar and hold them hostage
42 Black mail a city wall guard using his family so he helps guild schemes in future
43 Kill a bounty hunter who has been interfering in guild tasks
44 Kidnap a bard after their show and throw them out the kingdom
45 Steal the poor box from the bishops baggage when they visit another temple 
46 Kill several rival gang star members and leave evidence to blame another gang
47 Test a trapped tunnel section in sewers protecting gang territory from rivals
48 Inter-gang skill contest needs champions and stewards for contests
49 Dig into the castle dungeon to free a gang member
50 Steal jewels of a visiting noble woman from a far away land
51 Break into ancient tomb in castle walls
52 Exotic cult pleasure dome is full of treasure and guards all high on drugs
53 Steal load of black lotus from a drug gang house and bring them to the guildmaster
54 Rob some pilgrims carrying petty relics from travels
55 Orphanage guild low on orphans for gang sweatshops, go steal some healthy children from countryside
56 Rob a gang of boasting adventurers drinking since return from a dungeon crawl
57 Break into a wizards magic murder maze and steal the hidden treasure
58 Steal army payroll from commanders tent while they are on manoeuvres
59 Steal the baggage of a knight including armour, horses, supplies, tent and more
60 Free slaves from a merchant and bring them to the guild underground sweatshop
61 Rob the tax collector by some means and deliver to the nobility and take cut to the guild master
62 Enter a alchemists basement through the sewers and steal his recipes and priceless ingredients
63 Steal they eyes from the idol of a god deep in the sewers from a dangerous frog cult
64 Wipe out a clan of smugglers in territory gang want control of 
65 Snake cults keep a great treasure in their snake pits and their priest annoyed the guild master recently
66 The old haunted house must be a cover for a rival gangs crime, go check it out
67 A foreign group in the city have their own crime guild now and needs to be brought into the fold for the good of all criminals. Recruit or destroy them
68 A drunken retired adventurer lives alone, ripe pickings for thieves
69 A cult of rich dandies gather for parties, rob the cloak room where they keep their clothes during meetings and busy
70 Spy on a noble for enough time to tell if they are a traitor to family and secretly dealing with enemies
71 A senior gang member is rumoured to be solidifying support for a take over, go and murder them pronto
72 A secret society have been meeting in city sewers, infiltrate and report on their activities
73 Murder a clan of bootleg grog dealers in the gangs turf
74 Gang member has defected to rival gang, kill him and a few extra gang members 
75 Arrange a accidental death for a noble preaching to town about getting tough on crime
76 Spy on one of the city guildmiesters collecting any information on their secrets or vices that could be turned against them
77 Provide false witness at a murder trial to help nobility frame a reformer as a robber knight
78 Capture some interesting dungeon monsters to loose in the guilds new training tunnels 
79 Steal the secret ledger of a foriegn noble gambler exposing many locals of being secretly in debt
80 An assassins guild has been found and refuses to deal with us, raid them and kill as many leaders as possible to show the folly of their lack of respect
81 Steal a monster from a noble mans private menagerie
82 Steal a pearl from the grotto of a sea nymph, daughter of some petty sea god
83 Milk some wyvern venom for the guild poison master
84 Take some new recruits out and drive out the creatues living in the gangs sewer territories
85 A dragon's horde has a long lost relic worth a lot to the guild who want it
86 Infiltrate a nobles feast hall and pick pockets of the wealthy gathered there
87 A noble wants a gold clan signet ring back. Was taken by bugbears as treasure when they killed a kinsman a few years ago and it seems to have been used recently
88 A priest has been getting locals exited about being tough on crime gangs, murder the priest horribly as a lesson and leave in public
89 A older guild master has been wasting time with drugs and lovers, time to retire them with a surprise stabbing
90 A rival gang has a secret coin clipping operation and counterfeiting ring, find both and destroy them, kidnap any specialist criminal craftsmen we could use
91 A rival gang boss keeps maps of their buried treasure, steal them and rob the loot for our gang
92 A tomb of a great master thief has been found in a sewer, loot it before rivals do and for glory
93 Recruit a noble bastard into our secret brotherhood to spy on nobles for us
94 Disrupt rival gang black markets and auctions, make patrons feel unsafe
95 Dig into a temple crypt and rob the ancient noble dead buried their
96 A rich jeweller has lots of stock at the moment taken from dungeons and bought cheap for adventurers beer money, help lighten the owners burden
97 A complex trapped and thrice locked door has been found in the sewers
98 The guild master wants to retire alive and needs their murder faked
99 Some guild members have been tainted by were rats, find and destroy them before we are all rats serving their rat ruler
100 Guild master wants someone to enter a gate in a painting and rob the lair of a demon prince to get the souls of their loved ones back

d100 Bardic Poetry Gigs

Song subjects and bardic titbits
http://elfmaidsandoctopi.blogspot.com.au/2016/08/d100-poems-and-why-your-bards-are-lame.html

d10 Quick Types

1 Colourful foreigners - with the songs of their people
2 Romantics - hipsters with latests musical styles and fashions
3 Harsh lampooners - use slander and gossip
4 Jerk all stars - living the bard dream of sex and grog
5 Folk performers - perform songs of the old days
6 Religious performers - singing songs of praise or of a gods myths
7 Local talent - performers from the community
8 Propagandists - preaching distorted news for a cause
9 Non humans - with the songs of their people
10 Magical beings - creatures of magic in disguise among mortals

d100 Bardic Poetry Gigs

01 Vili Montpellier exotic foreigner plays strings, sings and dances happy songs of his people resisting ogre occupation and the joys of not being eaten
02 Zager Grorknarf from the continent in the warring lands sings of battles of cannons and the the doom of knighthhood, disturbing news for most nations 
03 Lars Treefell sings songs of the sea, raiding and pillaging the north frozen coast on the ice sea. Lots of bloody stories of pillaging and his savage gods
04 Tien Lee a singer with a strange harp in a box from a far off land sings about life in the court of the Immortal Lotus Emperor and the sweet dreams of intoxication
05 Korag Laarg barbarian bard sings drinking and fighting songs of manliness and killing your enemies and enslaving the survivors and of having hundreds of captive wives
06 Oola Sunspear sings of lonely desert ruins of fallen kingdoms and the wondrous city states of her distant wasteland home. Plays a stringed instrument with a bow and does scimitar tricks and dances in a revealing costume. She is a trained assasin
07 Fahir Lazan sings of exotic treasures and the city of brass where the efreeti dwell and other wonders of the flaming south lands beyond humans
08 Ling Tsung a elderly woman over a hundred who sings the melancholic longing for her home the kingdom of madness in the frozen north and her strange alien seeping gods
09 Khola Gnorsung a yak herding throat singer of the great wastelands, sings of his great Khans wealth and mass murders of traitors and those refusing to surrender. Has some magical ability as he is considered a holy singer back home
10 Natalia Serunduin comes from the great frozen kingdoms and sings of all the horrors of the long night while smiling sweetly. She plays a lute and a flute and has a pet intelligent  winter wolf  and arctic fox
11 Kasabin Tinderlock sings the latest drinking songs from university secret societies. He gets the crowds drinking so the landlords like him, he tends to get moved on when a local girl gets pregnant
12 Olvina Desternov sings and dances with her band of geriatric uncles. Mixes old time folky balalaika songs with more modern melody and ribald double meanings popular in the city
13 Kiel Wolfang a handsome youth sings stories of rogues sextual adventures and libertine values. Girls seem to follow him and sing his songs. Ne never performs under a full moon it is bad luck
14 Mia Zorgna sweet dancing gypsy girl with her three scowling brothers playing, she also has a trained goat and monkey that do tricks in her act, and nobody understands her tribal nomad songs that seem happy but are about tribal massacres
15 Bevrart Kolingsburn sings with his three girlfriends. He is always losing one and getting a replacement despite he is getting on. Sings heroic songs of struggle against monsters and songs of forbidden love
16 Yippy Fantang with his trained monkey orchestra sings, juggles, tells jokes and does some conjuring tricks. Most of his songs are about shitting and farting and harassing women
17 Klaus Frost sings songs of the woodcutters with his accordion and gets crowds dancing with his exiting new sound from the ghettos of the city, all his songs are about sweet parental approved love so old people approve of him
18 Mona Beveret sings with her slave men who play strings and flute while she sings and dances and tells of scandalous heists gone wrong in city criminal gangs
19 Tara Bacheraz sings sweet syrupy new sound from the city, old people don't like her but youth go crazy. All her songs are about ignoring old people and finding true love. She is a avid member of a secret love cult
20 Kora Tsancherfel sings jolly drinking songs about fat old men finding young love which her audience of fat sleazy old men in horned hats love, she occasionally does duets with some of them and some accompany her with instruments
21 Urtz Slimetoungue sings nasty songs about rulers and officials corruption and sexual depravity. There are several hitmen after him. He plays the lute and has a pet black cat
22 Bala Sientas plays the accordion and sings songs about impotent men who couldn't satisfy her and funny stories about orgies. She is getting on a bit and some say she is really a dude. She always takes some guy home after shows
23 Carlos Driatz plays lute and sings of sexual oddities of noble women. Several of their lovers are trying to kill him 
24 Estaban Vansanches is a moustached lute player who sings funny songs about kings dying on the toilet and their sexual failures. He has had to flee several continents.
25 Villaz Destroyah sings of giant monsters and demon gods but mocks them and makes them seem childish buffoons. Several infernal cults hate him
26 Gloria Gelan sings of intrigues in court and always makes secret police and spies look incompetent. Of course she is a spy and tries to elicit treasonous statements she reports
27 Urzen Trast a big fat man with two skinny slaves who play while he sings. All his songs are about feast and drunken foolishness of the rich
28 Minda Terezen plays the lute and tells scandals and gossip about the city rich. She has a good business on the side blackmailing people and changing names in her stories for a fee
29 Galorien The Rymer a feared and respected bard who all fear for his curses and threats he has made to nobles. Now nobody challenges him and his audiences are quiet and well behaved. Some say he can curse a mans destiny and that he is divine
30 Calambriana Foxglove sings about all the foolish things mighty men do for love. She sings and dances while her young boy band play. She also occasionally commits robberies or gets rich men drunk or drugs them and robs them
31 Varadaz Malamar sings about all the virgins he has defiled and how big his cock is. He scratches himself quite a bit and has contracted some sexualy transmitted mutations
32 Polly Peckingham sings about her failed lovers and her lovely breasts. She auctions herself off after shows with a high price. Her huge manservant protects her from harm and is always a few yards away
33 Gent Tanner is a egoistic swashbuckling bard who sings about his sexual adventures and escapes and how brave and clever he is. He has girls screaming for his good looks
34 Valos Vejas sings about how all the other bards are hopeless failures and how much better he is, he copies their styles to parody them the outdoes them. Other bards hate him
35 Sienna Umber sings and writhes on stage about her sexual prowess while her band plays. She often loses stockings and and items of clothing and boasts about all the perverts who pursue her and rich men she has turned down
36 Varagas Braggado a huge man sings operatic folk songs about all his lovers and enemies he has killed and many many implausible lies of his adventures. He casts a few spells as pert of his show and has assistants with wooden props to illustrate his adventures
37 Calaros Trumpstien sings about how awesome he is while showing his bare hairy chest
38 Erica Voldnaver sings about how much better this place is than some other rival place. She amends thes songs every place she visits but is very popular 
39 Barron Klauhammer tells of his long life and saucy adventures and money he scammed from victims. He also praises the various gods who aided him and keep him untouchable
40 Magna Torentia sings all about her wonder body and the joys of making love and how she is the best ever. Her audiences get very wild and exited and local prostitutes hang around her shows and pay her a cut
41 Misha Zarton sings funny stories of incompetent villagers in a traditional style with a acordian
42 Bellos Caravia sings of the good old days and how farmers are the best people and the soul and lifeblood of the land. He is popular in countryside workers sing his latest songs
43 Bareena Baliala sings traditional songs about dealing with supernatural races of the wilderness and various creatures. She has actually helped some mobs catch and kill monsters 
44 Marnister Zarmenzov sings about the good life of country living and young love. Old and young enjoy her joyful recitals
45 Gila and Vana Kolebcha are bard siblings who sing sweet songs of the seasons and the chores of the common folk. The country folk love them but so di city rich who fing them quaint and nostalgic
46 Kula Marnivar sings of the old days when men and trolls and dwarves were friends. She supports tho old cults that left them offerings in the countryside 
47 Horda Gormenstaff sings about hard work in the fields and mines and returning to your loving family for food and love, lots of jobs in mining and loggers camps 
48 Mazinga Kalett sings about the underground races and monsters that live under foot. He spent years as a slave their and knows many underland folk songs
49 Torrest Vargyana sings about the faerie folk and stories of those taken as slaves or lovers to elfland
50 Proika Vanderland sings happy songs about funny farm animals. He is popular with all ages and does animal impersonations and pretends to talk to animals people bring to his shows claiming to speak the animals fondest desires
51 Ilgyan Istigor sings of the suffering of life and only service to the gods is worthwhile
52 Bantran Vligor sings soulful songs from when humans were enslaved by monsters and songs of the gods kept them with hope
53 Stigyana Potenslaw sings of the bounty from the gods and how all should be grateful
54 Vindas Knobb sings about funny stories of the gods drunken and disgraceful moments which some find outrageous. He has a funny laugh he repeats every sordid gag
55 Vinigas Steel sings about how the gods made the world and how the races were born often mentioning lineages of local rulers who descend from the gods. The local nobility are some of his best customers 
56 Felora Kzin sings of the traps of hell and funny stories of fools being tricked by devils and holy men who tricked the devils back
57 Abram Trisock sings about the first tribes of man and how they resisted the monster empire and eventually over threw it
58 Shlots Rammen sings sweet songs of love for gods and he is often employed as a singer by churches and for funerals. He is a eunuch and still seeks revenge of his former master
59 Brother Solace and his small choir sing stirring songs of praise for the gods and are used for many events and functions like weddings
60 Kelmina Vostergang sings about the gods of vengeance and tails of wicked and the suffering they deserve from the will of the gods, she often implies local officials in her stories but never directly
61 Gimri and His Magic Goat, sings a few shepherd songs and pretends to talk to his goat, funny rustic humour
62 Hora Tanan sings folk songs and dances, she is very voluptuous and old men seem to like her naivete. Her songs are about various wild maidens and feminine petty gods
63 Ilya Kopov sings miserable songs from prison and slave mines he was kept in on the frozen wastes of his homeland
64 Nampazza Kulior and her children sing about happy work in the fields and on the land
65 Brother Bolivar sings lewd stories about monks and priests traditional to the area
66 Vinga Tranmar and her troop of folk dancers sing or rustic festivals and mild flirting
67 Ptask Mnebsiol with his accordion sings hearty stories of ghetto life mob killings from the city in a country folk style
68 Verda Krinkle sings rousing songs about determination with great humour and various funny voices in every day village life
69 Kvarga Jans and her country women's choir sing sad songs about being oppressed by foreigners and cruel despots and losing your children
70 Juldar Borsk and him signing men, sing drinking songs and perform some complex acrobatic dances. most are about being a free mans and drinking and whoring and the perils of marraige
71 Mili Vould sings about the injustice of taxes and incompetent rulership of nobility, he is watched by spies and has links to the peasant revolt
72 Konrad Rakeman sings about hoe foreigners are ruining everything if only men had the courage to burns down their houses and kill them all
73 Tanya Siborsk sings of how big religion has failed and local cults are much better, she is a member of dozens of cults from her touring
74 Bili Glagg sings of the plight of the poor and how there are more of them than the rich and they should arise and eat the rich, being watched by secret police
75 Ingman Vardan sings about how slavery is wrong and keeps the poor man poorer, he has a strong following and his songs are being popular on the streets
76 Sorya Blitask sings songs blaming fatcat landlords and funny songs how they get cruelly killed by angry tennants
77 Trollya Gaborja sings about how the rulers of the land are corrupt and amoral and the gods are on the commoners sides, clergy spies are watching him for heresy 
78 Geldon Trax sings about how the gods have no power and are just immortal sky wizards who were once human. A holy mob has been meeting about what to do to him soon
79 Pildar Tharqz sings about how we live in the best of all places and how good and kind the rulers are. He is a secret police agent charged with getting the mob to hate certain common leaders
80 Vordanya Kuel a lovely maiden who sings stories of the rulers heroic exploits and magical adventures. She seems well off and popular with supporters of the state
81 Knordferdt Juntzenkramer gnomish bard who sings about various gnome tribes and their flaws never mentioning his own lot. He can perform for lowbrow or highbrow audiences and is consulted as a sage on other demi humans and dungeons
82 Garun Thundersong is a dwarf bard who sings of killing goblins and orcs and giants and cunning dwarf heroes and dwarf dungeons being destroyed bt enemies
83 Elorain Oolondarin a elf bard who sings songs lasting hours in elvish which most don't understand but they think sounds nice. Most of the songs are about elves relation to divinities and the sorrow of the broken world of today and how humans and orcs ruined it
84 Valorpion Strange a part devil bard who sings of corruption and vice and how you ought to learn to live with it and enjoy the benefits for yourself
85 Elderban Honeyshrub is a wild halfling maid who sings of jolly feasts and cunning heroes outsmarting big folk like giants
86 Kraag Bumblegrot is a goatman bard who sings of the lord of the woods and his drunken entourage
87 Alsa Gloon a she orc who sings stirring war ballads and songs about massacres and burning cities. Be beats up anyone who heckles her
88 Orlok Sarasna a dark elf singer who tells of the terrible creepy dooms await mortals on the edge of the dark forest which people seem to enjoy
89 Glideon Flax a satyr who plays the pan pipes. He is popular and audiences drink and dance but sometimes the audience start getting naked and goats hang around the venue
90 Glindor Arazin a reptilian bard woman who sings of the slumbering serpent kings and when dinosaurs ruled the world
91 Uranos Tule a doppelganger bard who is happy to eat anyone who requests a private get together with him, sings of dungeons deep, treachery and evil murder hobos
92 Merlan Talanta a mermaid changeling from the sea who sings of the undersea courts of the dragon kings and the various warring empires of the deep
93 Vartuga Ravan is a infamous harp player who sings of the unjust fall of the demon kings who once ruled the earth and how everything is inferior today. He is of course one of the fallen demon kings and will tell of his sad losses of his children and lovers and friends
94 Gundra Palzan is a deva from paradise who visits the world to find heroes she can nudge onto glorious deeds. She sings of ancient battles against evil and the dungeon ruins remaining from that age
95 Vercia Mandragor is a foxwoman who uses her shows and courtly songs to find suitable lovers to ruin their lives. She robs them and destroys their clans for crimes against fox kind
96 Killara Vanthorn is a unicorn who changes into human form and plays for humans songs about loving nature, purity and fighting evil
97 Kitran Skelerzar a dragon in human form looking for opportunities for the future dragon war she knows is coming. Occasionally she will get distracted by treasure hunts and will help guide adventurers to recover lost wealth
98 Vinley Katora is a treeman changeling who sings slow songs naming the trees for thousands of years which humans don't understand but find melancholic. The landlord finds less fights when this bard is performing
99 Gloriana Goldenhorn a shapeshifting dragon come to study humans and find if any worthy heroes need and budges to fight evil. Thinks kindly of humans and likes their company
100 Ourobos King is a basilisk lord how in human form is a poisonous bard who spreads dicent and unrest with his songs with confusing morality that questions the church and state. If he is bothered he will transform into his true shape and kill everyone

d100 Books of the Faerie

So this is a genius but possibly hard idea. If it works I can do various magic books like  goblin, faerie, hell, necromancy, witches, cultist, orc* and dwarf book lists.
* orcish 100 best sellers of all time or the only books orcs ever wrote?

Oh the comic cover above is a relatively mild slapstick romance comedy with mild flashes of nudity, but honestly that's all you want to know really.

Elves in print make every other race seem inferior and like insane gibbering children or monkeys. Trees make more steady friends than a goblin or a human.

d10 Book Appearance
01 Pages are transparent sheets from giant insect wings with text painted on 
02 Wooden book with fine wood plaques bound into a book with rings
03 Bejewelled and gilded cover worth d1000gp depicting a elf rune or scene
04 Painted wooden slat cover with vellum, cover is a amazing painting
05 Battered leather book with paper, scrawling wild notes and a blank section
06 Made from giant leaves cropped and sewn with spider silk
07 Made from human skin flailed and bound with man vellum sheets tattooed texts
08 Metal box with thin silvery moon metal sheets stamped with text bound with rings
09 Wooden box with tablets made from d4 1=wood 2=clay 3=fungus 4=giants toenails 
10 Small metal and bejeweled box, tablets of tiny text of jet, amber, jade, ivory or glass

d10 Script
01 Squid ink script
02 Etched with heat or acid
03 Written in old dialect or secret clan language
04 Written in a popular Arcane Cipher a scholar would know
05 Metallic d4 1=Bronze 2=Silver 3=Mercury 4=Gold 
06 Glow in the dark
07 Magical script requires spell to read
08 Written in private code or personal hobby language of a elf
09 Reading book aloud attracts faeries and elves for miles
10 Reading book aloud draws in planar influence that makes dimensions cross over

d10 Book Defences
01 Shiny lock of ornate design, ruins several thieves tools if thief fails
02 Bejeweled lock requires a magic word or knock spell to open
03 Steel large lock with keyhole mouth design, screams if a stranger touches it
04 Spirit appears to questions your worthiness to open it (only one alignment can)
05 Living plant, can entangle with vines a stranger who touches it
06 Planar entity, tentacles attack anyone with hostile intentions to the book*
07 Elemental spirit that defends the book if it is damaged
08 Only magic weapons or spells can damage it
09 If book attacked it shifts into another dimension, the book has spirit inside
10 Metal plate with hand design, open for hand of owner or require knock spell
*use a mimic or pudding or gibbering mouther or one of the dozens of versions of shoggoths

d10 Common Subjects
01 Lineages from the dawn times and to the gods and spirits of various elves
02 Botanical with incredible detail on plants including cell theory and breeding for one plant
03 Zoological bestiary detail on single species, it mundane social life and habits in detail
04 Slavery and eugenics manuals on modifying species with surgery, magic or breeding
05 Manual on customs of some other race that they usually misunderstand and patronise
06 Magical theory written in rhyme for a druid or wizard or priest to study
07 Thrilling lurid adventure of a elf in human land outwitting crude clods of feeble man
08 Astrology theory and observations of phenomena aens ago and the planets 
09 Life story of a very old tree used for dendrochronology
10 Stories of hedonistic activities like wild frolics, erotic parties, drug abuse festivals

d100 Books of the Faerie
01 To serve man, battered family cookbook on feeding monsters who love manflesh 
02 The Carnivorous Traveller, recipes for dwarves, halflings, goblins, gnomes, humans
03 DIary of Offerings, review of humans offerings at elf shrine for several thousand years
04 The Breeding and Keeping of Humans, guide for slavery and subjugation of man
05 Knowing Your Lycanthrope, keeping werewolf slaves for hunting dogs
06 Lexicon of Stealing Mortal Babies, guide to obtaining babies from humans with tricks
07 Forestry for Beginners, how to spend your first thousand years caring for your forest 
08 Secret Loves of Dryads, kiss and tell love diaries of immortal magical seducers
09 The Celestial Tree, philosophy of how faerieland connects to other realities 
10 Training a Changeling, how elves train magical shape shifters to infiltrate humans
11 Wed to a Mortal, sad story of mad elf who loved a mortal and wasted 80 years
12 River Erosion, I Have Known, rambling waterway erosion adventure over 1000 years
13 Uses for Gnomes, guide to planting gnome colonies and what gifts they like
14 The Goblin Enigma, book about goblin psychology, reader saves or goes mad
15 The Unicorn Mystique, guide to how it really is awesome to have unicorn love
16 Perfection Attained, guide to personal grooming, hygiene and good elf manners
17 Symmetry of Exalted Hair, how to grow nicest hair over thousands of years of care
18 Tragedy of the Orc, sad story of how the first orcs were made from elves
19 Light, Lenses and Astrology, astronomy text, with how to polish a lens over 100 years
20 Journeys to the Celestial Spheres, visiting elves on the moon, planets and stars
21 Goblin Breeding for Beginners, how to spend a milenium breeding a goblin sub breed
22 Preventing Wood Rot and Tree Care, healing secrets for trees
23 Field Guide to Enchanted Fungi, how to identify magic mushrooms and risks
24 Licking Toads and Salamanders, guide to narcotic effects for amphibian adicts
25 Etiquette for Court Orgies, manners for attending such events and how to practice
26 Song of the Old Elf King, poem of King Thuviel who waged war on giant kind
27 Hedge Mazes and Thorn Walls, art and science of defencive gardening
28 Herbal Remedies and Recipes, hundreds of tasty herbal tonics and treatments
29 Keeping Your Human Enthralled, secrets to keeping your humans charmed slaves
30 Amusing Japes to Play on Your Humans, funny tricks to tease humans
31 Gardening you Village of Man's Children, manipulate a human village over centuries
32 The Superiority of our Kind, book of how elves are the greatest race and others are not
33 The Secrets of Trolls, detailing the types of trolls that once existed long ago now gone
34 Beware the Eyes of Dwarves, how to avoid enticing their envious lusty gazes35 How to Befriend a Dragon, methods to contact and stay on good terms with dragons
36 Surgical Modification of the Human Animal, how to turn humans into beastmen
37 The Fall of Man, elves should rise up to destroy human civilization before its too late
38 The Age of Ice, how elves slept through the long winter and found humans thriving
39 Visiting the Cities of Man, accounts of contact 5000 years ago in long lost cities
40 Turning Man against Man, starting wars and splintering kingdoms keep man weak
41 Goblins I Have Known, describes favorite goblin servants over two milenium
42 The Apocalypse of Lesser Life, how orcs and humans have changed the world forever
43 Amusing Cakes for Royal Fair, how to cook fancy decorated novelty cakes to amaze
44 How The Monsters Won, detailing how the monster empire ended the dawn age
45 The Light of Our House, how elves lesser races into revolt against the monster empire
46 Five Millennia of Man, quick history of rise of man and how brutish and violent they are
47 In Person With Gods, stories of great elves of old who know gods personally 
48 The Topography of Faerie, dimensional inconsistent nature of faerie space
49 Sailing the Seven Seas, a elf who traveled all the worlds coasts 6000 years ago
50 The Gods of Man, how human religion is degenerate versions of elf gods in mans form
51 Blood of the Giants, how humans were created from defeated giants so elves and spirits had to work less and that was a mistake
52 Automatons for Pleasure, complex clockwork engineering automatons to entertain
53 Being a Dwarf, a elf in disguise among dwarfs, how can a race so ugly live at all?
54 Halflings Our Helpers, how halflings were bred from all races to deceive the evil ones
55 Your Divine Purpose, elf self help book for low esteem elves who doubt supremacy
56 Psychology of Mortality, what is it like to age and live less than a hundred years
57 Infantilism of Man, how humans are stupid babies who cant think and are animals
58 Breeding and Keeping Beastmen, how to use magic to breed a race of beastmen
59 Genocide and Gardening, how to exterminate pesky races that breed out of control
60 Human Origins, how the first humans were made when apes and giants had babies
61 Secrets of the Serpent, how serpent men have been slowly driven to extinction by elves
62 Return to the Trees, how humans can be given a plague to return them to a wild state
63 Cataclysms of the Gods, how gods used disasters to cull man so elves should too
64 Faerieland Forever Home, elves should retreat to faerieland forever and leave the world
65 The Shattered World, all the great cataclysms that shaped and wrecked the world
66 The Broken Circle, how the post dawn time world is a broken post apocalyptic hell
67 The Science of Flower Arranging, thousands of theories for advanced decor
68 Control of Lesser Races with Narcotic Food, making and dealing in faerie food for mortals
69 Our Fallen Blood, how human blood has weakened elf race and decline of gene pool
70 Fornicating with Animals, techniques for seducing and having sex with animals
71 Herding Mankind, long term plans for influencing mankind and making them fight lots
72 This Fell Power, how humans learning wizardry then necromancy has broken the world
73 Talk To The Trees, friendships over aeons with tree folk and spirits
74 Erotic Furniture of The Dark Realm, illustrations of dark elf furnishings NSFW
75 The Bestial Less Races, guide to beastmen, centaurs, humans and orcs
76 Ant Farming, eventually you realise writer is talking about human civilization
77 True Accounts of When Gods Fought Giants, stories from the giant wars long ago
78 Maintaining a Swamp, how to run a swamp to remove sewerage and pollution
79 War against Trees, call to help spread trees across the world as quickly as possible
80 Making Human Servants Obey, methods of handling your slaves with sex and drugs
81 Building a Goblinoid Horde, on goblin breeding and varieties for military campaigns
82 The Orcish Problem, how elves stopped being turned into orcs by evil and the use of humans then alchemical mud pits to create them, and how orcs have over run the world
83 The Unflattering Ape, how all human culture is an embarrassing ugly imperfect copy from elves
84 The Undersea Court, life in the undersea faerielands and the sunken land of the dead
85 The Chittering Hordes, other race seem inferior and are insane gibbering children
86 1000 Advanced love Techniques, elves are apparently more flexible than humans
87 Burdens of Perfection, pondering why other races hate elves out of jealousy
88 The Silver Star, manual of rituals pleasing to star spirits and elven sky gods CG
89 The Golden Pair, manual on rituals to the vegetation gods and spirits NG
90 The Brazen Acorn, manual of rituals for the solar elven gods and angelic spirits LG
91 Cantrips for Dear Children, a d4 basic zero level spells and introductory theory notes
92 Beginning Magic, charm person, comprehend languages, magic missile, featherfall
93 Elven Apprentices Book, levitate, web, blur, invisibility
94 Elven Adepts Book, fly, fireball, haste, water breathing
95 Elven Masters Book, polymorph other, polymorph self, wall of fire, icestorm
96 Demons and their Truenames, theory of demon summoning and names of 24d demons
97 Laylines and Monoliths, how to transmit and build magical batteries in landscape
98 The Cosmic Fortress, dimensions good for hiding stuff on or living in and hazards
99 The Arcanists Fortune, 2d4 magic item recipes and formulas
100 The Alchemists Muse, 2d4 potion recipes

d100 Paladin Smack Talk

It would be sad if this made me think paladins are worth keeping in DnD. But I think It might. Well Planet Psychon Paladin working for a AI god might look like this with clips of alternating silver, holy iron and +5 adamantium rounds.

Reading 5th edition made me re think classes. In turn i'm thinking of writing my own simpler rule set but with a proficiency/ability system that handle mass customised characters. I'm partly troubled by me the dm having to keep track of everyone abilities and enemy abilities to, manage a human vs human party battle. Most people tell me they bullshit it and make them not act their best or ignore fancy abilities. My house rules more like BX with late 1st ed adnd extras like oriental adventures and dungeoneers survival guide and some abilities stranger. I might make some sample skills for monster heroes, leaders and royal guards.

A line of smack talk every combat round goes a long way.

Why Would You Use This Table?

Your friend is charmed by good guys
Fanatic maniacs cultists who think they are better
Holy warriors fighting undead, demons or devils
Religious persons fighting enemy cults
Knights or lawmen claim righteous superiority
Military when fighting rival hostile culture
Faction vs faction of a single larger group
Beings of Law or Good or Both
Saints or angels judge anybody
A paladin travels with you and pulls these lines on every threat he sees implying you are all together and most of the beings he abuses assume he speaks for the group - classic mission complication challenge unlocked!

d100 Paladin Smack Talk

01 Destroy this vile defiling evil filth

02 I send ye to eternal torment you fiend
03 By the holy wrath of my god I strike you down!
04 I am here to end you wicked one, prepare to be smited
05 I prey my weapon strikes you dead ye foul and putrid one
06 Be ye witch or be ye warlock you magic is wicked and must be crushed
07 I shall smite the and dismember thee so no devil or demon can put you back
08 May my god strengthen our arms as we slay these sinners
09 Might the saints preserve us and help us cleave these heathen heretics!
10 God has brought me here to kill you all, no mercy, no surrender 
11 Our god loves you and they are here to end your suffering
12 By the blessed sky virgin! Come taste her sweet tears of mercy!
13 Wicked ones your eternal punishment has arrived too soon!
14 How dear you soil my gaze with your vile form deviant one!
15 Your blood shall usher in a new age of love and kindness!
16 Peace will come after a age of blood and fire!
17 The gods hate you and have sent me to kill  you
18 Your crime of hubris has brought your executioners to your door
19 Now shall you die and every drop of the evil one will die
20 You have mortal form but you are a minion of the beast, prepare to die! 
21 Time to return to the pit vile one!
22 With beings like this we face there can never be mercy or peace just death
23 I was born for this moment, to drive you vile spirit back to the void!
24 This moment was seen in a vision my glory lies in your destruction
25 This will be a victory for god, for glory and all mortal kind!
26 Your sin Is life! I Bring you death!
27 Vile ones, prepare to meet thy dooooom!
28 For victory, for freedom, for all the blessed peoples!
29 You are abominations before the true gods, prepare for death!
30 For the kingdom, for the church, for humanity forever!
31 The river of life ends for you, the ferryman death has come for you!
32 The wages of wickedness are death, death to all non believers!
33 This spawn of vile chaos must be cut from this world to save it
34 Let us bring the wages of sin to these disgusting savages
35 Death to the unclean, death to murderers, death to traitors! 
36 My holy rod will smite you and dash your brains!
37 It is ordained this day that the enemies must die, protect us of lord!
38 Let loose the hounds of war, crush the enemy!
39 The evil ones are here, our only hope is to kill every one of them for our god!
40 And so the lord sent a angel to slay the minion of evil and it did!
41 Bring your legions, your army, all your kind I care not, you will all die each and every one
42 You fiends may choose to make a short prayer of repentance before we kill you
43 Surrender evil ones and receive the punishment you so richly deserve!
44 I am the weapon of my god, I am their steel, I am your destruction!
45 This vile spawn of a she demon, this vile thing of filth, shall meet it's end
46 You knew when you took up your blasphemous ways it would end like this
47 The end of the world is here, for your kind anyhow!
48 Your kind have been ordained to be slain one and all!
49 Like the saints of old I slay evil not talk to it!
50 A snicker-snak and your heads will be gone beneath my weapon
51 Obliteration is too kind for your vile kind
52 Cease your evil ways or prepare to die!
53 Your filth must be eradicated for a kinder and purer world!
54 Your foul blood with be released into the earth, a libation to the gods
55 All your line will be destroyed by fire and the sword!
56 A doom upon your cursed kind, all your seed will be purged from his world! 
57 Good cannot rest until all your kind are slain, die in the name of peace!
58 Your sins must be cleansed your blood must be spilled
59 The gods hate you and I am the instrument of your destruction
60 Say your prayers dog, your last moments of life are upon you!
61 All fanatics must be killed for the common good!
62 In the name of freedom, all your kind must be slaughtered!
63 Vile putrescent filth! You abominations have soiled this world enough!
64 Those who do not love life are not worthy of it and now you die!
65 By all that is holy! Your repugnant evil shall meet it's end 
66 You foul demonic turds who walk upon the fair earth, you must be cleansed!
67 Heathen! Unbeliever! Heretic! Anarchist! You must die by all that is holy!
68 Your kind were a mistake and It is time your existence was rectified
69 Your crimes can never be forgiven and I am your executioner
70 Blast you foul demon! May my god crush your soul as I rend your foul body!
71 All the world moans at your every diseased footstep and I am the cure!
72 My god has given me the right and the will to slay your kind for the good of all
73 I have judged ye foul demon of the pit, now you die!
74 All your vile creed have forfeited the right to live. I am hear to rectify this
75 What vile demon shat you into this world? I shall end your foul stain forever
76 Your very existence is corruption, to spare your future victims I slay you now!
77 It is time you were sent to eternal punishment for your false beliefs
78 Tell them in hell that I sent you and more of your kind will join you in the pit soon
79 You are a cosmic cancer and I am the cure! Prepare to be cut out!
80 You are a gnawing maggot eating all that is good, now it is your turn to die! 
81 I cannot bear to look at your awful countenance, you offend me and I will cut you out
82 I wish I could slay your every ancestor but your will have to do villain
83 Justice demands satisfaction and you sir will die by my hand
84 I call a holy crusade to slay your kind, each and every one of you must be destroyed
85 If only killing you would undo all your evil, ending you now will just have to do
86 In the name of all the saints and your victims, I call on your extermination now!
87 You are a mistake I am here to correct, your life is forfeit 
88 No pain I can inflict will undo your vile deeds, I must be satisfied with your death
89 The prophets have called for your death and I am here to enact your destiny
90 It is too late for your redemption, only death can cure the wounds you have caused
91 Your very existence offends the gods, I am their terrible swift retribution!
92 Beg and grovel all you like, no mercy for your vile kind!
93 I am not like the innocents you have molested, I will annihilate your kind
94 Gods will flows through my hand, and my weapon hungers for your life
95 I am here to execute you in the name of the law and all that is just
96 Righteousness and rage fill my heart villain, now you shall meet death!
97 A terrible swift death is the only kindness I can spare for you evil one!
98 My blessed weapon hungers for your vile flesh, your wickedness ends now!
99 Angels in heave will rejoice when your life ends, I am here to make that happen
100 It will be a kindness to slaughter you, the world will sigh with relief when I end you

here is the shakespeare translator version
https://lingojam.com/shakespearean
sometimes it works sometimes it is just silly

d100 paladin smack talk
01 destroy this vile defiling evil filth
02 i sendeth ye to eternal torment thee fiend
03 by the holy wrath of mine own god i strike thee down!
04 i am hither to end thee naughty one, prepare to beest smit'd
05 i prey mine own weapon strikes thee dead ye foul and putrid one
06 beest ye beldams 'r beest ye warlock thee charm is naughty and wilt beest did crush
07 i shalt smite the and dismember thee so nay Flibbertigibbet 'r goodyear can putteth thee back
08 may mine own god strengthen our arms as we slay these sinners
09 might the saints preserve us and holp us cleave these heathen heretics!
10 god hast hath brought me hither to killeth thee all, nay mercy, nay surrender 
11 our god loves thee and they art hither to end thy suffering
12 by the did bless sky virgin! cometh gust that lady sweet drops of sorrow of mercy!
13 naughty ones thy eternal punishment hast arriv'd too lief!
14 how lief thee soil mine own gaze with thy vile form deviant one!
15 thy blood shalt usher in a new age of love and kindness!
16 peace shall cometh after a age of blood and fire!
17 the gods misprise thee and has't hath sent me to killeth  thee
18 thy crime of hubris hast hath brought thy executioners to thy do'r
19 anon shalt thee kicketh the bucket and every drop of the evil one shall kicketh the bucket
20 thee has't mortal form but thou art a minion of the beast, prepare to kicketh the bucket! 
21 time to returneth to the pit vile one!
22 with beings like this we visage thither can nev'r beest mercy 'r peace just death
23 i wast born f'r this moment, to drive thee vile spirit back to the void!
24 this moment wast seen in a vision mine own glory lies in thy destruction
25 this shall beest a victory f'r god, f'r glory and all mortal kind!
26 thy sin is life! i bringeth thee death!
27 vile ones, prepare to meeteth thy dooooom!
28 f'r victory, f'r freedom, f'r all the did bless peoples!
29 thou art abominations ere the true gods, prepare f'r death!
30 f'r the kingdom, f'r the church, f'r humanity still!
31 the riv'r of life ends f'r thee, the ferryman death hast cometh f'r thee!
32 the wages of wickedness art death, death to all non believers!
33 this spawn of vile chaos wilt beest cutteth from this ordinary to save t
34 alloweth us bringeth the wages of sin to these disgusting savages
35 death to the unclean, death to murderers, death to traitors! 
36 mine own holy rod shall smite thee and dash thy brains!
37 t is ordain'd this day yond the enemies wilt kicketh the bucket, protect us of lord!
38 alloweth loose the hounds of war, crush the foe!
39 the evil ones art hither, our only desire is to killeth every one of those folk f'r our god!
40 and so the lord hath sent a angel to slay the minion of evil and t didst!
41 bringeth thy legions, thy army, all thy kind i care not, thee shall all kicketh the bucket each and every one
42 thee fiends may chooseth to maketh a short prayer of repentance ere we killeth thee
43 surrender evil ones and taketh the punishment thee so richly deserve!
44 i am the weapon of mine own god, i am their steel, i am thy destruction!
45 this vile spawn of a the lady goodyear, this vile thing of filth, shalt meeteth t's end
46 thee kneweth at which hour thee tooketh up thy blasphemous ways t would end like this
47 the end of the ordinary is hither, f'r thy kind anyhow!
48 thy kind has't been ordain'd to beest slain one and all!
49 like the saints of fusty i slay evil not talk to t!
50 a snicker-snak and thy heads shall beest gone beneath mine own weapon
51 obliteration is too kind f'r thy vile kind
52 cease thy evil ways 'r prepare to kicketh the bucket!
53 thy filth wilt beest eradicat'd f'r a kinder and purer ordinary!
54 thy foul blood with beest releas'd into the earth, a libation to the gods
55 all thy line shall beest did destroy by fire and the bodkin!
56 a doom upon thy curs'd kind, all thy se'd shall beest purg'd from his ordinary! 
57 valorous cannot rest until all thy kind art slain, kicketh the bucket in the name of peace!
58 thy sins wilt beest cleans'd thy blood wilt beest spill'd
59 the gods misprise thee and i am the instrument of thy destruction
60 sayeth thy prayers dog, thy last moments of life art upon thee!
61 all fanatics wilt beest hath killed f'r the ingraft valorous!
62 in the name of freedom, all thy kind wilt beest slaughtered!
63 vile putrescent filth! thee abominations has't soil'd this ordinary enow!
64 those who is't doth not love life art not worthy of t and anon thee kicketh the bucket!
65 by all yond is holy! thy repugnant evil shalt meeteth t's end 
66 thee foul demonic turds who is't walketh upon the fair earth, thee wilt beest cleansed!
67 heathen! unbeliever! heretic! anarchist! thee wilt kicketh the bucket by all yond is holy!
68 thy kind wast a misprision and t is time thy existence wast rectifi'd
69 thy crimes can nev'r beest forgiven and i am thy executioner
70 fie thee foul goodyear! may mine own god crush thy soul as i rend thy foul corse!
71 all the ordinary moans at thy every diseas'd footstep and i am the cure!
72 mine own god hast given me the right and the shall to slay thy kind f'r the valorous of all
73 i has't judg'd ye foul goodyear of the pit, anon thee kicketh the bucket!
74 all thy vile cre'd has't forfeit'd the right to liveth. I am heareth to rectify this
75 what vile goodyear shat thee into this ordinary? i shalt end thy foul stain still
76 thy very existence is corruption, to spare thy future victims i slay thee anon!
77 t is time thee wast hath sent to eternal punishment f'r thy false beliefs
78 bid those folk in hell yond i hath sent thee and moo of thy kind shall join thee in the pit lief
79 thou art a cosmic canker and i am the cure! prepare to beest cutteth out!
80 thou art a gnawing maggot eating all yond is valorous, anon t is thy turn to kicketh the bucket! 
81 i cannot bear to behold at thy awful countenance, thee offend me and i shall cutteth thee out
82 i wish i couldst slay thy every ancest'r but thy shall has't to doth villain
83 justice demands satisfaction and thee sir shall kicketh the bucket by mine own handeth
84 i calleth a holy crusade to slay thy kind, each and every one of thee might not but beest did destroy
85 if 't be true only killing thee would undo all thy evil, ending thee anon shall just has't to doth
86 in the name of all the saints and thy victims, i calleth on thy extermination anon!
87 thou art a misprision i am hither to correct, thy life is forfeit 
88 nay teen i can inflict shall undo thy vile deeds, i might not but beest did satisfy with thy death
89 the prophets has't hath called f'r thy death and i am hither to enact thy destiny
90 t is too late f'r thy redemption, only death can cure the wounds thee has't did cause
91 thy very existence offends the gods, i am their lacking valor swift retribution!
92 beg and grovel all thee like, nay mercy f'r thy vile kind!
93 i am not like the innocents thee has't molested, i shall annihilate thy kind
94 gods shall flows through mine own handeth, and mine own weapon hungers f'r thy life
95 i am hither to execute thee in the name of the law and all yond is just
96 righteousness and rage fill mine own heart villain, anon thee shalt meeteth death!
97 a lacking valor swift death is the only kindness i can spare f'r thee evil one!
98 mine own did bless weapon hungers f'r thy vile flesh, thy wickedness ends anon!
99 angels in heave shall rejoice at which hour thy life ends, i am hither to maketh yond befall
100 'twill beest a kindness to slaughter thee, the ordinary shall sigh with relief at which hour i end thee