Monday 1 August 2022

d100 Dungeon Guard Gossip

Ive been reviewing my POD collection slowly - would ppl like me to go through Dungeon Magazine - i only like B&W era ending around 60ish? - ive got about 40 issues im reading through and finding some good inspiration. Obviously ppl can send me missing issues. Its not a trap. Honest.

Handy snippets for guards to say before you stab them in the neck from behind. 

d10 Quick Topic Types
01 Monsters

02 Adventurers
03 Villagers
04 Faction
05 Humans
06 Religion
07 Dungeon life
08 Guarding life
09 The Boss
10 Horrible fates

Dungeon Guard Gossip
01  Why can't we have a neo-otyg? They are quite friendly and telepathic watchdogs. They only eat poop and copses, I don't see why we don't have one
02 After that rust monster ate my weapons and did I look foolish when I had guard duty at the orgy
03 I swear I've seen chests and barrels appear and disappear from the store room and Glark was in charge of stock taking and disappeared too
04 Stirges I hate them, especially when they crawl in and out of air vents and you find the closest guards bunk with a withered husk in the morning
05 My grandpa said in the old days the cults of undeath were less common. He says it now we have less hope and are desperate for reinforcements we have turned more and more to underworld evil 
06 If we keep dumping bodies in the same pit we will attract ghouls again
07 Owlbears are so adorable as cubs but they soon they get fiesty and eat you. Just weird bears really
08 If you rub grease all over your body it will protect you from green slime for a few moments
09 I swear there are were rats around here stealing our food
10 There was an imp here to see one of the bosses, they sure creep me out
11 Adventurers killed my whole family while I was out, If I see any there will be trouble
12 Adventurers eat innocent goblin and orc babies. The priests told me so
13 The humans trick adventurers to come here because it is cheaper than hiring mercenaries and if the live its extra taxes
14 A local thieves guild have been spreading rumours to adventurers, its all a big dumb trap and they get a cut of the loot
15 When we go have an adventure in a village people get outraged but they can come here and rob us. What a double standard
16 We found my uncle dead and adventurers had disembowelled him searching his innards for treasure. Maybe swallowing treasure is pointless if humans just kill you anyway
17 Ive seen adventurers and Im not impressed. If all humans are that murderous and cheating and lying how do they even survive?
18 The humans in armies and guards are pretty weak but the adventurers are the most malcontent, depraved and vicious ones the army don't want and villagers keep out
19 Adventurers are the worst humans and they are produced by inbreeding and baby eating. Their parents drink strong booze and rub lead on their gums
20 Adventurers are the most fanatic humans and sont even obey human laws. All they carea bout is gold and murder and looking awesome
21 The local villagers have so much valuable stuff just laying about and they don't even have a wall!
22 Villagers are like kobolds but weaker and more cowardly
23 The village is on our ancestors land and our weeping forebears cry from the grave for vengance
24 Villagers with their little fences and terrible fresh food and stupid faces I hate them all
25 Villagers will swallow their treasure if caught so best disembowel them or give them some rotten meat to they shit it out
26 Villagers  make poor slaves and only last a few months it is more merciful to just kill and eat them
27 So the priest says if we accept darkness into our hearts we can turn the villagers into our zombie slaves and never work again
28 I was kept by villagers and they made me grind grain and pull a plow and stomp compost and fed me on gruel. Pretty much a holiday really compared to out boss
29 I like to spu on villagers, their naivete is so adorable. They wander around aimlessly toiling and breeding and doing pointless stuff. I will miss them
30 Those villagers have fouled the creeks and hunted out all the game, they breed out of control and need regular culling 
31 So those bandits seem ok for humans I I cant see why humans would outlaw such fine fighters
32 Berserkers come in the dungeon and we just avoid them. The have their uses and risks and scare humans even more. If there is trouble run, use ranged weapons or play dead
33 I don't get why the boss says we need a wizard they cause more trouble than they solve and they don't teach us how to do it or nuffin
34 Those new priests seem to be popular but im starting to worry they are leading us to more war and mass murder
35 I dont think we should let wereolves live in the dungeon, most have no self control and I wonder if the guys in the next room vanishing is their fault
36 Gnolls are dreadful to keep around but they do eat any bones or leftovers and are cheap to feed. I hate their laughter and smell most
37 Kobolds seem harmless minions but they breed so fast and live so long they can take over a dungeon in the long run so best to eat them
38 There is something skulking around here in hooded robes, i swear it had tentacles for a face. Probably just some shameful mutant and nothing to worry about
39 Ogres should eat better. Their farts stink oiut the whol leven and the keep breaking the latrine seats. The use up all the funny old wizard books we use for cleaning up too 
40 Im glad we paid off that dragon with some human prisoners, we dont want a dragon coming here again. He was pertty unhappy about paying him in copper so hopefully he thinks we are too poor to bother with
41 Humans cant help be murderers and are born killers, if you spare their children they will grow into paladins and kill everyone you love
42 I hears hobgoblins have been working for money from human farmers. Only problem is hobgoblins think every obcenity you mutter is a personal attack sending them into a rage
43 Humans might look like us sorta they have strange genitalia and you will die if you touch them
44 Humans only have a few children so no wonder they get upset when you steal a few abies
45 I dont know why the boss lets bandits come here they will betray our secrets eventually when their human kin imprison and torture them
46 Humans smell of soap, you can smell it a mile off, nasty stuff
47 Imagine being a human and blind in the dark. One day we will snuff out the sun and they will be our slaves
48 My family had a human slave and he was ok. Eventually our priests ritually scarified them and made them one of us. Wasnt truly a family member but it shows humans dont all need to die, some of them are the good sort
49 Humans are so fussy about food! They like it cooked and fresh the weirdos. No wonder they are always theiving and farming 
50 We peeled a humans skin off and you know they dont look that different to normal proper people
51 Human gods think they rule the universe and their foolish follwers believe their gods made the world what ajoke. Dont they know how new they are?
52 Human priests dont like undead very much mostly. They dont realise how important it is to have your ancestors around for your children to see and it is the best punishment for your enemies to be your slaves to pay for their crimes
53 Some say our old gods are the best and lots say demons and devils give better deals I dunno what cult to join
54 Sometimes I wonder are we cursed by the gods? I always worry some new menace will sweep through here and finish us off
55 When did our gods ever help us honestly? I mean look at this dump
56 My family was an orthadox church of Orcus and my wifes family worshipped the mushroom goddess reformist church and you should have seen the wedding
57 Bah who wants a religion of peace and love? In hell i will work up the ranks killing and torturing more for eternity, how could anyone not like that
58 Keep a look out for an imp offering wishes for your soul. I heard thats how the boss got in charge the lucky dog
59 So this human cleric tried to say we shoud show restraint and be soft and weak. Bah! Our god is so much mightier an that cleric tasted good so we ate the rest of him
60 Im unsure about which demon patron to choose, they all promise me unrestrained lust and greed and murder, how do i pick one? Just on looks or convenaince?
61 Did you hear about the sly grog shop someone is running in the dungeon, iull show you after our shift
62 We need a new slave to clean out the latrines since the old one died from worms
63 So overnight a coridoor was overgrown with yellow mould and we were trapped in the barracks for days before the boss sent someone to look for us
64 Rust monster got loose again and we caught him eating the hinges off the armoury doot, gave me a nasty swipe with his thagomiser tail
65 Lice everywhere why cant the priiests cure that instead of making more stinking zombies 
66 You really stink brother, you should wash your hair and brush your teeth in fermented piss for good health and have your yearly dust bath
67 The air down here is really damp and stinks of mildew mildew, we need air vents or more deaths will reduce our numbers. The boss was born on the surface world and is an idiot
68 What wizard planned this dungeon? A brain damaged madman I assume
69 I reakon some of these internal walls are way too thin. One good quake and we are all dead
70 Party on tonight in the barracks but keep it quiet so you know who doesnt come and ruin it
71 Whats with this new roster, we need more time to sleep and torment prisoners or im out of here
72 Dis you hear about that theif caught yesterday? Tried to sneak up and backstab me. There is some of him in the kitchen and the rest went to monsters
73 I was told if we were hurt we got a priest to heal us but I got charged to have my rotten tooth pulles out and they said that stab wound I got in that barracks brawl was self inflicted. If Id know there were so many exemptions we would be out of here
74 My grand dad had his own dungeon but I dont think I will ever have enough money or children to be boss
75 These weapons are rubbish. Some of the recruits still using flint
76 These iron swords bend too easily and break, at least with bronze you can straighten it with your teeth
77 I hear human guards get a propper wage and benefits, we oughta stop work and wreck the joint 
78 Watch out for intruders I can smell soap 
79 Well im taking my wages and returning to my sweetheart to raise a family on a farm, this is my last shift 
80 Stop talking like that, your asking for some human will slit your throat
81 I hear the boss has an unfaithful lover, I might have a crack myself
82 The boss gold more than their loyal minions 
83 So this intruder killed like six guards and then the boss gave them a job and accepted a pittance for the lives of the guards. Their orphans and family got nuffin
84 Im not sure if the boss getting a pet imp is such a good idea, I was hoping we would serve chaos and be lawless maniacs without a care in the world
85 The boss is really a dragon I tell you in disguise! He sits in his treasure room and sleeps all day
86 The boss has some lycanthopy I reacon. They have gotten more hairy
87 The boss is a crook, he cries we cant have a wage rise het keeps buying fancy drugs and gold rings
88 The boss loves to eat halflings and children. If you get him some they will reward you greatley
89 The boss is so fat and lazy they have privy counciller to wipe up in latrine and they even have a strange tool kit. If they ate more rotten food and earthworms they would be fine
90 The boss had to kill their own parent for being a mad tyrany but they are well on the way to having the same ending. I hope Im not around then
91 Did you hear those last adventurers squeal like pigs in the torture chamber? No guts at all, started all betraying each other in only a few hours
92 I love it when dead adventurers are made into zombies so we can kill them again and again
93 The cook is really bad, everyone has had the shits and the whole dungeon smells like sloppy turds. The latrines are a mess
94 Ive had funny dreams of late about adventurers invading and killing us all. I might flee home soon before its too late
95 The priest said to be on the look out and a divination said we might be attacked today
96 That cave in a few months ago was bad but the fix was done poorly and will happen again 
97 Ive heard some ghosts I swear. I hate ghosts
98 So we got some rotgrubs in a funnel down his throat and then dumped the body near the village for a laugh
99 I dont know if they died and then giant rats burrowed in the corpse or if they were alive at the time. I did hear some screaming but you know they are just prisoners
100 I suggested we crucify the prisoners by the road so humans think twice about sending missionaries here again


  1. IMHO it would be great to hear your thoughts on the adventures in Dungeon Magazine.

    1. i quite like lots and recovered issues just to get some so will do cheers

  2. Love the content! Could use some proofreading, though. "39 Ogres should eat better. Their farts stink oiut the whol leven and the keep breaking the latrine seats. "

    1. im dyslexic and in the time it takes me to proof id write 8 more things and id rather be creative - its not for sale its for my use and if anyone else likes it great - ive had lots of drama with editors in past. I welcome polite corrections. Thanks

  3. _" ... I've had my eye on a turnip for quite a while now."
    "A TURNIP!?"
    "Well, not just ANY turnip; the world's biggest turnip!"


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