Useless Magic Loot

My artist says he has some goodies for me for EMO so i can get poster - t-shirt and book cover ready early next year. I'm tempted to make a Cloth map too. I can get one screen to do all made. So all good on next years publishing project. Pack hard drive, bags and stuff for my trip to Adelaide for xmas. Probably running Long Stairs Game as everyone seems interested. Will be writing, editing and laying out while I'm away. A few posters to do and my colouring in book(s).

Gammaworld players grab piles of weird crap for barter or later identification. Surely FRP heroes need the same - piles of semi useful items worth something but not necessarily what adventurers would like. I think there was a Dragon article about issue 71-ish. Anyway uncanny xmas 2 u all. Hopefully your DMs give you better loot than this. I might do some more of these. They are a mix of useless, tasteless and childish. Just blame me if something embarrassing or awkward pops up.

1  Everlasting Dye - permanently changes colour of hair, skin or items but mostly for hair - 1d6 doses
2 Everlasting Dye - as above but is a highlight kit with 12 colours
3 Music box - plays same tune again and again, hand size
4 Orchestra in a box - a chest with miniature musician golems know 1d20 tunes
5 Hair removal potion - meant to be applied, permanent if drunk
6 Hair growth potion - meant to be aplied, if drunk grow 1 inch per hour for ever
7 Hat of many styles - can change to any hat for job at hand, helmet, hunting hat, courtly hat etc
8 Landscape Paint Set - anyone can use to paint one scene with photographic accuracy
9 Portrait Paint Set - anyone can use to paint one detailed flattering portrait
10 Character Paint Set - anyone can use to paint one unflattering mocking picture outrages subject
11 Wig of many Styles - Change colour and style, comes in facial hair and mirkin style
12 Gender Change Girdle - like the normal one but not cursed
13 Undying lantern - everburning lamp also comes in torch or candle styles
14 Heroes Tankard - get no hangovers from booze drunk from this
15 Spectacles of the Sage - make you look profoundly wise and knowing
16 Everflowing Paint Brush - paint brush that never needs to be dipped in paint - one colour
17 Singing Doll - knows 1d20 nursery rhymes and 1d10 scary fairy tales
18 Hat of the Dunce - hat lets wearer sit drooling quietly for hours
19 Sleeping Potion - lets drinker have pleasent sleep
20 Sleeping Cap - lets drinker have pleasant sleep
21 Milk jug of Keeping - preserves milk or cream till used up
22 Hat of protection from bees - bees will not initiate combat with wearer
23 Spoon of Stirring - stirs itself till stopped once started
24 Spoon of Tastiness - any stirred food or drink becomes yummier
25 Wand of pointing - a beam of laser light that is handy for lectures and pointing stuff out
26 Scroll of Dictation - blank scroll when unfurled records everything said for 1d6x100 words
27 Knife of Easy Carving - chef knife that always makes neat slices
28 Rock of Holding -  placed on paper, this protects from being blown away even in gaol (jail)
29 Boots of many trails - randomly changes foot prints to different creature every 100 yards
30 Boots of ever shininess - always clean enough to eat off
31 Trunk of Junk - whenever opened find a useless item of junk - boot, pot with hole, broken mug
32 Cards of fairness - Cards scream if any cheating attempted by players (card counting ok)
33 Coin of flipping - always lands on flippers choice
34 Wand of Penguin Summoning - once a day calls a tasty penguin from icy realms
35 Collar of location - put on pet or person, always know their location
36 Girdle of Chastity - magically locked until legally married on wedding night
37 Girdle or Manhood - Protects your genitalia from harm in battle
38 Shirt of cleanliness - Shirt is always pressed and clean
39 Cape of protection from Weather -keeps elements at bay - stay dry and warm
40 Mechanical Beaver - Wind up and once per day fells one tree
41 Pan of Cooking - self heating pot or frypan
42 Pan or Recipies - sentient pan gives sneering advice on cooking to any cretin using it
43 Salt Sellar of Plenty - 10 doses of salt per day
44 Pepper Grinder of Plenty - 10 doses of pepper per day
45 Ever lasting Candy - piece of candy you can suck forever - who knows who used it before
46 Nurses Ring - makes lactate as long as worn, also wanted by farmers
47 Ring of the Rake - make infertile but still vulnerable to STD
48 Dancing Shoes - give the wearer basic dancing skills or improves professionals abilities
49 Thimble of defence - 1pt resistance to impaling damage
50 Mothers Necklace - whispers motherly advice and commentary about everything you do
51 Flattering Mirror - improves comeliness in mirror view
52 Mirror that Flatters Not - makes viewer look aged, ill, bald, toothless horror
53 Pillow of Sloth - allows you to lay about for years without harm
54 Idol of Depravity - on command attractive idol dances erotically
55 Spectacles of the Letcher - makes clothing invisible when looked through
56 Pipe of smoke rings - pipe let you blow awesome smoke rings to entertain others
57 Pipe of black lung - pipe never runs out - one type of smoke weed per pipe
58 Pipe of Ignition - pipe lights self and never blows out
59 Flint of Sparks - flint starts fires easily - dont let kids play
60 Eyepiece of the Immoral - Can see depraved scenes of otherworldly orgies
61 Statue of Prayer - If placed in church statue prays for your well being
62 Goat Leggings of frenzied dance - allows wearer to dance lustily all night
63 Pole of pokery - pole regrows back end if damage under 20% damaged up to 3 times a day
64 Wizards Beard - a strap on beard that bonds with wearer as real growing beard forever
65 Waterbowl of Wizards - 3 times a day fills with water, animals can learn to use
66 Foodbowl of Wizards - 3 times a day fills with horrid gruel that animals seem to like
67 Gilded Birdcage of Capture - leave the door open and birds are attracted and trapped
68 Saddle of Comfort - saddle is always pleasant for rider and horse
69 Horn of Alarm - anyone can blow a loud trumpet heard up to a mile away
70 Instrument of the minstrel - plays self for up to 12 hours a day
71 Knitting Needles of the Elves - knit for 2 hours a day if wool plenty
72 Butter churn of the Cowlords - turns cream to butter in one hour, various sizes
73 Fish hook of plenty - magical lure catches 3 fish per day quickly
74 Oil of shininess - any metal polished stays shiny forever
75 Necklace of Purity - if given as a gift the giver knows if lover cheats
76 Hat of truth - changes colour if wearer lies
77 Hen of Eggs - Ceramic hen container has a fresh egg each day
78 Unsoiled Girdle - Wearer never needs to go to toilet
79 Blanket of Bravery - when wrapped in blanket with both hands immune to fear - pink or blue
80 Ratters Hat - attracts rats who come from curiosity
81 Vermin bane Cube - this cube keeps rats, bugs and critters out of one room
82 Sealed Jar of Ancients - preserves contents fresh if lid sealed - 50% chance already full
83 Tankard of Booze - Fills once a day with one type of ale or bear
84 Goonbox of Plenty - wooden box with a tap produces 4 litres of cheap wine a day
85 Paddle of Spanking - wielder never tired or strained using this to spank
86 Animated spanking paddle - once a day will spank a victim up to 10 times
87 Broom of sweeping - once a day sweeps one room
88 Egg cup of Breakingfast - cooks an egg placed in cup
89 Quill of Ink - self inking quill
90 Quill of infamy - any written text filled with abuse, swearing and insults
91 Ledger of Seeking - book turns to page requested by subject
92 Book of Secrets - cannot open without spells unless you have written in book
93 Unburning Book - resilient book cannot burn, be harmed by acid, water except by muscle power
94 Books of the Messengers - what is written by one appears on both copies
95 Mechanical Rooster - alarm which sounds dawn every day if wound up
96 Kings Wrist Sundial - tells the time night or day
97 Hourglass of wizards - flow slows or speeds or reverses on command
98 Notebook of sorting - everything written is re arranged alphabetized
99 Shells of talking - each shell in set can hear through the other one like a radio
100 Book of the critic - sentient book complains about your work quality, heals if damaged

1 Dice of deceit - always roll best outcome, pretty obvious after a few rolls, bone or jewels
2 Shears of trimming - cut wool, trim hedges, vines, 2 hours a day
3 Tent of Assembly - tent pitches self and rain proof - various styles and sizes
4 Mechanical Dog - if wound daily will bark if intruders come near
5 Little Snitch - figurine repeats conversations it has heard last 24 hours
6 Mechanical Parrot - wound daily will repeat novelty phrazes
7 Mechanical Nightingale - Sings beautiful haunting melody
8 Wizards Umbrella - Unfolds in rain or sun automatically
9 Fan of the Ancients - this hand fan once started keeps fanning for an hour
10 Toothpick of the Titans - this can be used to remove teeth from mortals
11 Everfull makeup container - usually rougue or lead based whitener or kohl
12 Scrolls of the fiend - pornographic prints which are blank if seen by women (or opposite)
13 Dark Elf Goblet - anyone drinking from this becomes aroused if fail a save
14 Goblins Cup - anyone drinking from this becomes a goblin for one hour
15 Hammer of the Gnomes - blacksmith hammer which animates itself for 1 hour a day
16 Mechanical rabbit, if wound runs away never to be seen again
17 Spectacles of fearlessness - turn black if see anything scary or offencive
18 Spectacles of the otherworldly - view horrible beings in other dimensional void
19 Magical Fruit - preserved forever tasty fruit, also makes nice ornament
20 Ointment of youth - look 2d years younger for 2 hours, 1d6 uses
21 Dentures of the Magi - replaces real teeth with magnificent gold ones, removable on death
22 Ice bucket of the Giants - A small barrel with a lid and full of ice cubes once per day
23 Glass of the Magi - turns any drink inside to any other drink of same value or less
24 Goblins Tankard - turns pee into beer
25 Mechanical Kitten - wind up plays for 10 minutes goes to sleep till re wound
26 Ever Frozen Icecube - good for one drink, cold but cant get water from it
27 Codpiece of the Titans - offensive novelty fashion item sings if anyone touches it
28 Singing Carp - magical stuffed fish sings song if touched - only one song
29 Abacus of counting - aids in counting fabulously high numbers
30 Ever full Sponge - remains clean and absorbs 40 litres of fluid same weight
31 Spade of Digging - digs by self for op to 2 hours, handy for graves
32 Sandbag of plenty - a one lb bag can be emptied daily up to 100 lb comes out
33 Ever lasting sausage - regrows one lb per day as long as some left
34 Everlasting cheese - regrows one lb per day as long as some left
35 Ever bulging nut sack - refills with 1 lb of nuts per day
36 Tiara of sparkling - makes wearer sparkle and glisten
37 Undead monkey servant obeys whoever holds his rod
38 Sink of the old ones - this steel kitchen sink has a garbage eating horror in drain wormhole
39 Spectacles of attractiveness - makes lover seem more appealing if you wear the hat
40 Pie Tin of Bounty - as long as one slice left - fresh yummy pie every evening
41 Meat grinder of plenty - any meat in grinder turned to yummy hamburger mince
42 Goggles of red rage - sees bloodstains even if cleaned up long ago
43 Azagors angry ants - box of ants will clean any organic matter from a room or corridor once
44 Mechanical Carpentry Crab - makes basic wooden items 2hrs a day from wood and spittle
45 Ever edible pig - small 20lb pig can have 6 lb of meat cut out every day, regrows by dawn
46 Chastity belt of true love - only one true love can open the belt
47 Wand of Housework - each charge cleans one room or person 1d100+30 charges
48 Wand of Sausage Frenzy - makes a tasty sausage appear in victims mouth 1d100+30 charges
49 Wand of grilling - cooks toast or other meals or inflicts 1pt damage 1d100+30 charges
50 Wand of wands - each charge makes a non magical wand 1d100+30 charges
51 Rainbow Staff - shoots pretty rainbows 1d100+30 charges
52 Hair Ribbon of Majesty - pretty ribbon attracts everyone's attention if they fail a save
53 Candy Wand - each use creates one lb of candy 1d100+30 charges
54 Endless soap - always suds up 
55 Flaming Coat - Illusionary fire surrounds wearer when mad
56 Deck of infinite cards - if you lose cards they are replaced daily if you have at least 27
57 Wand of fruit - creates a piece of health fruit 1d100+30 charges
58 Bag of bottomless turnips - all the delicious turnips you can eat (or 100 lb per day)
59 Soul gem medalion - has a trapped princess soul can talk to wearer princessy stuff
60 Skull of necromancer - has a trapped wizards soul and talks non stop
61 Wand of glitter - shoots cone covering all in sparkly glitter, 1d100+30 charges
62 Staff of Flowers - shoots cone of flowers1d100+30 charges or cover 100y radius if broken
63 Mushroom Sickle - when cuts a mushroom grows back instantly (non magic mushies only)
64 Feedbag of the Horselords - feeds a horse grain, chaff and molasses once per day
65 Ring of Sanctity - protects from normal fleas, bedbugs, leeches, mosquitoes and flies
66 Boots of warning - get a twinge if ground unstable or monsters burrowing underfoot
67 Liquid Flesh - used to repair cosmetic damage from missing flesh, scars, burns - one dose
68 Lover potion - if smashed on ground a prostitute appears, she/he melts one hour later
69 Magical Mattress - handkerchief turns into sweet smelling goose feather double mattress
70 Sack of infinite rags - a one lb bag you can pull out 100 lb of dirty rags per day
71 Ring of Hygiene - keeps skin and clothes clean, no toilet paper needed
72 Oracle of love - box prints tiny scroll with random romantic euphemism
73 Dentures of Dazzlement - bond with user for life, glimmer impressively
74 Dentures of Destruction - bond with user for life,1d3 bite, can eat anything organic
75 Moms Meatball Bowl- bowl creates a delicious steaming meatball once per day
76 Blanket of Picnicking - keeps away bugs, vermin and pets from food
77 Basket of Hybrids - put in 2 animals under 10 lb and create a hybrid beast 1d100+30 charges
78 Bell of children summoning - when rung children in 300 yards come running 1d100+30 charges
79 Razor of shaving - never blunts or cuts, needs no lather
80 Wand of unvandalism - removes unauthorized marks on walls 1d100+30 charges
81 Mechanical monkey - wind him up runs crazily around, snatches something, escapes forever
82 Ball of returning - child's ball always returns on command
83 Duck of Quacking - toy, follows owner and quacks constantly
84 Stove of Evil - if fire started from human fat burns for one year, 20lb
85 Wooden Wife - life size wood mannequin, 2 hours a day animates and cooks and cleans, 65lb
86 Chamber Pot of old ones - this chamber pot empties into a universe of imprisoned evil gods
87 Wand of flaming balls - inflicts itchy VD on victim who fails save 1d100+30 charges
88 Wand of vandalism - sprays paint onto any surface, one colour one minute1d100+30 charges
89  Wand of Bubbles- fills air with bubbles 1d100+30 charges
90 Canteen of Effervescence - Any beverage in canteen becomes fizzy like soda and chilled
91 Gruel pot of gods - makes up to 100lb of prison quality gruel
92 Wooden Lover - mannequin prostitute lasts 1 hour per day, may cause injuries if using at end
93 Bag of Gremlins - once per day can pull a screaming newborn gremlin out of this bag
94 Headband of Dreams - has particularly vivid crazy dreams you remember clearly
95 Wand of Flatulence - makes victim let loose foully if fail save 1d100+30 charges
96 Magical Tail - bonds to target permanently, usually donkey but lizard or  others found
97 Ring of chastity - removes all sexual desire and capability also in priest robe form
98 Ring of the Egg - wearer lays one chicken egg a day
99 Hatchet of chopping - will animate 2 hours a day and cut fire wood
100 Knife Ring - ring turns into small knife 1d3 damage and back

1 Hobos boots - can be used to cook meal for 4 after days march in boots
2 Wand of hair styling - point and changes hair style, save if unwilling, 1d100+30 charges
3 Hobbit boots - made from hobbit feet these leave false trails and annoy hobbits
4 Hanky of snuffles - when used unblocks sinuses, ears, nose and airways of mucous
5 Defiling kit - unholy water, innocents blood and pack of hog dung in separate bottles
6 Jeweled bird of command - can orders other animated devices in room at set time per day
7 Rat Idol of modest wealth - makes 1 copper piece per day (some stop at 2000)
8 Rod of the frog god - creates 1 bucket of frogs per charge 1d100+30 charges
9 Chum Bucket of glory - refills daily with yummy shark bait
10 Soup stone - boil in water to make tasty soup one pot per day
11 Mood Ring of the gods - changes colour to indicate wearers mood
12 Sphere of the Sage - when shaken generates a random answer from yes no or maybe
13 Hat of useless crap - 3 times a day pull random not useful mad made item
14 Rubix cube of mystery - puzzle box takes new users days to open, contains random thing
15 Glory Hole of Thrills - simular to portable hole - comes in male and female
16 Robe of tastelessness - changes patterns and colours every 10 minutes but all hideous
17 Clothes of invisibility - clothes turn invisible at will
18 Clogs of cleanliness - mess proof clogs never soiled and bug free
19 Girdle of slimming - makes you look 10lb lighter
20 Wand of animal singing - 1d100+30 charges makes animal sing for 10 minutes
21 Students Hat - improves odds of guessing multiple choice questions by 25%
22 Bottle of spinning - owner wills who bottle spins at
23 Stones of skimming - 3d6 stones in box skim 2d10 times if thrown at water
24 Box of Birds - once per week 3d6 white doves fly from box -  very tasty
25 Monster seeds - 1d6 in bag - random monster appears if touch ground
26 Hat of rabbits - once a day a rabbit can be pulled out of hat
27 Hat of horror - once a day pull monster from hat which attacks you
28 Cloak of Drama - looks impressive as if gentle breeze blowing
29 Shoes of flying - when activated, fly off your feet and into space
30 Deck of dodgy things - each card drawn turns into a shameless object of vice
31 Chiken Wand - fires a live chicken 100 y 1d100+30 charges
32 Book of knowing - once a day you may open book to a random factabout the world
33 Book of Planar Facts - as above but random fact about a different plane each use
34 Idol of Esoteric Evil - once per month may commune with elder god, answer in lost language
35 Jar of Enchanted Ovum - makes one lb of pickled eggs per day
35 Plate of clean living - makes a meal of broccoli, brussel sprouts and lentils
36 Wand of polymorph fruit - turn one normal fruit into another of same mass 1d100+30 charges
37 Gauntlets of the old ones - turn hands into tentacles 10 min later - some are cursed
38 Wand of the deep - shoots fish 100 yards 1d100+30 charges
39 Arcadian Meadows Towel - ever clean and dry towel, makes a good nappy
40 Gloves of the Masseuse - gives nice massage every day, oiled and non oil version
41 Gloves of the Lover - as above but happy ending
42 Rock of rock detection - as named 100y
43 Ring of molten fire - warns you if you touch boiling lava or metal
44 Ring of afterthought - ring tells you what you should have done after each wound taken
45 Ring of the nose goblin - detect nose picking 100 yards
46 Ring of silence - says Shhhhhhh! loudly if any in 15ft of wearer make a sound
47 Girdle of the centaur - 2 extra legs appear, not handy but can wear 2 more boots
48 Sword of the bard - this sword causes no harm but the victim looks wounded as if the were
49 Dish of Fish - once a day an edible grilled carp appears on plate
50 Sauce of the Fool - 1d10 doses of sauce that makes one meal worth of anything safe food
51 Sauce of the gods - 1d10 doses of sauce that makes one meal addictably  delicious
52 Fools Crown - wearer sees as crown fit for a king, everyone else sees a steaming coil of poop
53 Hat of Invulnerability - hat cannot be damaged while not on persons head
54 Wizard Eye - works as human eye if put in eye socket
55 Wizard Hand - works as human hand if put on stump
56 Eunachs reward - works as human members if attatched to damaged area
57 Adamant Nails - remove fingernails then attatch - 1d3 edged attack, cut rope etc 2d10
58 Lance of the Unicorn - A horn which atatches to your head, +1 extra Attack, 1d10 damage
59 Gills of the fish - fleshy lumps with gill slits, attatch then you breathe water not air, permanant
60 Breast of venus - 1d6 fleshy lumps, attatch as pleased to add to size or have extra breast
61 Mask of flesh - a malable living mask of varied colours, can be moulded if skilled
62 Gliding Cape - takes 20 foot off fall
63 Uranium Golem battery - glows nicley, makes everyone feel warm 20ft if outside lead box 
64 Bagpipes of wonder - play bagpipes for 12 hours, next roll gets a +1
65 Stockings of splendour - never tear, self repairing, always clean, various styles
66 Amazing viewer scope - wind handle, bend over and peek in large box slot see 160 second film
67 Gremlin Scope - microscopic viewer see beholders battle miro terrasque and other stuff
68 Vulcanic Suit - fragile glass suit allows you to walk into volcanoes (but bot lava) unharmed
69 Divers Suit - 80lb technomagical heap allows you to walk under water slowly for 30 minutes
70 Bag of air - turns into 3 yard across giant pillow -30 feet fall, pillow remains permanant, comphy
71 Khessemers Tiny Sled - Toy sled enlages tightly fits one adult mail, lasts one hour
72 Mechanical spider - spins web 200 foot per month
73 Salamander Horde - burn seal calls 3d100+50 various coloured luminous garden salamanders 
74 Iron Heart Ring - this ring take away romantic pains, feelings and memories 
75 Armband of grief - prevents uncotrolled public displays of grief
76 Mechanical finch - guards one child or group thereof, fkies and reports to parent
77 Octopi sentinel - slimy octopus hat warns you if threat in 360 degrees, needs daily drink and snack
77 Tentacle Mask - 1d12 facial tentacles, 3rd use permanant flesh bonding
78 Fishy Idol - gives owner increasing bad dreams, if thrown in water calls evil fish men party
79 Flippers of the Frog god - +50% aquatic movement, 3rd use permanant flesh bonding
80 Goggles of the chameleon - seperate moving eyes with 290 degree vision
81 Fangs of the Bat Race - replace fangs with these permanantly, become hemovorous 
82 Goggles of Truth - detects magical bodily alterations and gender changes
83 Octo-Epaulettes - 2 shoulder mounted octopi whisper different advice to each ear about the sea
84 Amphibian lungs - 2 fleshy lumps stuffed in gills of at least dog size beast lets breathe air
85 Helm of ghost rider - head appears as burning or glowing skull, spookifies voice too
86 Candle Spike - sticks into any rock or stone or brick, holds candle
87 Helm of mining - 30 foot 90 degree cone light from top of helm at will
88 Healers Ring - can donate 1hp to the patient when using skill based healing, first aid, etc
89 Mask of shadow - once/day can renew one 1st lv sorceror/wizard spell by killing small beast
90 Eye of UnessZee - Magic eye pendant reports telepathicly any spell it sees on wearer
91 Hydrobolt Wand - squirt water up to 100 yards 1d100+30 charges
92 Prehensile beard/hair - bonds to head, can streach 3 yards and crudely grab anything
93 Shock beard/hair - bonds to head, electric zap 1d4 shock to nearest foe in melee
94 Ice beard/hair - bonds to head, immune to environmentak cold, blue or white, icy touch
95 Blood beard/hair -  bonds to head, drinks 1hp blood from foe after each battle turns red
96 Flame beard/hair - bonds to head, burns in battle 1d4 lash to nearest foe in melee
97 Death beard/hair - bonds to head, if killed raised as zombie and walks to home or temple
98 Rat Statuette - turn to 3HD riding rat i hr a day
99 Couldron of The Hag -  monthly gate calls idiot son of Earth goddess, impregnates all in 30ft
100 Fishermens Friends - tin pail with lid, once day fills with earthworms or maggots or grasshoppers

ill update this as i please