Saturday, 25 July 2020

d100 Rumours About Orks

"Have you heard what the village is saying about orcs nowadays? Heresy I say. Orcs have souls? Preposterous. Next, you will tell me about orc paladins and don't they dont all deserve to be strangled at birth"

In my game there are a bunch of wizard spells to make orcs. Oldest turns tortured elf into lots of orcs, then they did one with dead elves to orcs then all those wizards died and they made murdered humans into orcs. Nowadays wizards use pits of alchemical mud to make orcs in batches. Orc slave-coaches teach fresh born fully adult male orcs how to be cruel sadists for a month in their spawn pit before sending them to military school.

Nowadays most orcs are sick of wizards and evil overlords and breed like everybody else and have diverse cultures and individualism

Then there is spell where wizard surgically fuses a human and animal into a beast abhuman in 12 hours without anesthetic. Abhumans not so keen on wizards either. Wizards are jerks.

Thanks to those who came and chatted on my FB page

Rumours About Orks
01 Orcs are all male, they don't breed naturally and are made by evil wizards
02 The first orcs were made from elves and orcs say a few elder orcs still live
03 In earliest times wizards made orcs from the recent dead as taught by an evil god
04 Nowadays evil wizards just use alchemical mud pits to make adult male orcs 
05 The wizards who make orcs are careful to instruct them in brutality and cruelty
06 In distant past orc heroes quested for their own women from the goddess
07 Most of orc barbarians hate wizards and any dark lords on idiot crusades
08 Some say orc women are far away making babies and food but what about orc amazons?
09 Some cleric set up a hospice to help orcs widows and now they operate a textile workshop and make best gambesons
10 People say there are half-orcs but usually just a name people who fight with orcs on the same evil crusades and adopt orcish fahions. Barbarians really hate being called half orcs
11 Humans and orcs are the two most recent mortal races and who would win has been uncertain. Both were slaves of evil wizards until the age of darkness ended
12 They say elves hunted and killed those who knew spell to make tortured elves into orcs but some say elves invented the spell to use their own dead against their enemies when it was clear elves would never recover their losses
13 Once you kill off the wizards and evil priests directing the orcs (most always human) they tend to go feral and set up wilderness tribal kingdoms like barbarians
14 Orc and human barbarians fight all the time but have some begrudging mutual respect. Occasionally they unite to destroy some wizard warlord who tries to build a wilderness stronghold
15 Many of those who once used orcs as slaves and magical cannon fodder have abandoned the practice as orcs tend to rebel and fight each other and turn on their masters
16 Many orcs serve hell claiming they get better deals with devils than serving humans or gods
17 Most orcs people see in human lands are mercenaries but some cities have a humanoid district where orcs live and produce cheap efficient tools and weapons. Many humans are wary of cheap competition but the guilds allow it as it meets a part of the market and used to upsell other goods
18 A magistrate hired some orc bailiffs due to local corruption and the well paid orc pair worked to the letter of the law and helped clean up the village but then they returned home
19 Lots of humans don't want to think of orcs as people because they just want to kill and enslave them without guilt
20 Orcs live short and brutish lives they say but not all orcs live lives or war and will live much longer if fed well and dont work the worst jobs
21 Orc gods were beings of darkness and wrath who became more orc-like over time 
22 Orcs and goblinoids have some common physical features but are not direct kin. Orcs will often dominate goblins and consider hobgoblins dangerous rivals and fear bugbears. They have united against humans and elves before but might squabble
23 One thing you can say about orcs is most tend to kill off mutants among them early which more humans should adopt
24 Orcs of different tribes squabble sometimes near battlefields but with their own tribe they demonstrate great teamwork and ingenuity and loyalty
25 Say what you want about orcs but they sure don't shun doing things in new ways and keep up with tools of war like siege weapons and gunpowder. Humans underestimate orc imaginations tend to die
26 When you make a newborn orc the wizards starve them and torment them in pits for a month, educated by turncoat orc slave drivers before they are equipped and trained for battle. You should see what orcs do when they figure out this cruelty
27 Orcs actually feel pain but they stoically put up with it and embrace scars and suffering. Occasionally work themselves to death or ignore injuries to a fault
28 Orc medicine is effective but stings, burns and promotes scarring so plenty of humans are reluctant to use it. Orc first aid is quite good and not just burnt logs or leeches for everything like people say
29 Orcs are not the best at caring for animals but their own breeds of dogs, horses, goats and cattle look hideous to humans but are tough and hardy and more nocturnal. It is nearly always untrue their beast have diabolic features, mostly just leaders pets
30 To orcs admitting weakness or injury is an invitation to be killed or left out 
31 Wolves and orcs get along well even equally and some ride dire wolves with evil intelligence bigger than horses. Many orcs have ordinary wolves as companions
32 Orc shamans change tribe members from male to female or vice versa depending on war or peacetime and that's why you don't see orc women much in wartime. The orcs don't seem to care or think it matters or its our business
33 Orcs nowadays seem to be not just the baby eating brutes of grandpas day. I saw orc clerics in the city. Was a popular orc bard in town a while (who went home as humans too soft). Turns out they are pretty law-abiding and don't want trouble  
34 Having some orc workers is ok, they are stronger and cheaper but don't let them own land and keep them poor for the worst jobs or there will be trouble
35 Dwarves are always crying about humans and orcs stealing their technology and changing it. Dwarves fought a war of extermination on orcs over iron and during it as Dwarves deployed better weapons the orcs copied and even improved designs but cheaper and faster. The dwarves saw they were numerically losing and the orcs numbers just bounced back again and again. Orcs are pretty unimpressed by this and have not forgotten, taking relish in destroying dwarf strongholds intended to last forever
36 Orcs often fraternise with goblinoids, abhumans and beast folk rather than humans or demihumans. They get tired of humans and demihumans looking at them in fear and disgust 
37 Orcs like piercings, tattoos, branding and scarification. Many paint themselves. Prettiness is considered vain, weak, wasteful and useless. Their markings carry complex meanings humans mostly miss unless fluent in the language
38 While bright elves sneer at orcs, dark elves treat them better than most humans do. Orcs often work for them as servants and mercenaries so you see some dark elf trinkets and runes on them sometimes. Dark elves apparently aided orcs and helped them revolt in the past
39 Yea orcs don't like paladins. Too many massacres of orc civilians. Paladins say there are no orc civilians and were even caught burning bodies and encouraging the lie about there are no or orc women or children
40 The orcs that grow up from babies raised in families seem more complete and more complex. I heard of orcs with own druids working to heal their race
41 Some barbarian orcs liberate their own kind enslaved by wizards to recruit ready-made warriors who don't ask questions and quick to prefer orc to human masters
42 Ground orc tusk is an aphrodisiac but orcs go crazy if you mention it and won't just let you grate any off even for a few coins
43 Lots of orcs work in abattoirs as increasingly humans won't do it. Orcs really have a knack for butchery and tanning and have a good nose for spoiled food 
44 I thought orcs only ate rotten meat and bones and leather but I went to a wedding feast, and they had olives, nuts, dried berries, cheese, dried meat, worms, snakes, frogs, eels, larvae, pickled cabbage, eggs, mushrooms, acorn bread and fish 
45 Poorest orcs will eat anything without complaint but those with money seem to like variety and even get fussy complaining about who even touched food in the kitchen. I guess they smell food more than a human does
46 I thought from the war, orcs never bathed but actually, some have enlightened views on baths and sewerage and waste using it as fodder for certain monsters. SOme prefer dust baths to remove fleas
47 You heard stories orcs only steal food and don't have farms but a wizard told me orcs often farm monsters in their underground labyrinths which they trade with each other. Their monsters are well cared for and named so orcs get upset when humans kill their beloved beasts. On the frontier, they release their extra beasts to keep slow human civilisation
48 I knew a scared war veteran who lived with the orcs a few years and he never felt judged for his appearance and war wounds, in fact they were impressed and considered him one of them 
49 Orcs at home like to stage heroic operas about their heroes escaping servitude and betraying their dark lord. They even have contests but not many humans brave enough to try the events that last for days
50 Its perfectly legal to use orc corpses for animal food, leather or golems. But the orcs do get upset. For some reason, people find orc flesh golems less horrible than human ones
51 Orc jerky is delicious just check who they made it out of first 
52 A famous orc Longarm used to protect the forest from chaos mutants and cultist
53 An orc gladiator started a revolt and all the orc gladiators involved had to be put down. Was a shame as I had lots of bets placed
54 I noticed lots of those barbarian orcs really hate whips and slave manacles. They give really dirty looks at them. Though I did see an orc strangle a slaver with a chain and she seemed happy
55 There was a famous archer who married several orcmaids and even became one and everything in a magical orc kingdom in the deep. Eventually, he went into the deep to claim his own kingdom
56 In the wild places of the world where humans can barley survive, you can find tribal orcs
57 Cyclops orcs are pretty strange. Famed as smiths they act like they are smarter than everyone and claim to have made tools for the gods long ago. They seem pretty civilised and even make stuff which looks prettier for non-orc customers
58 One famous orc tribe road huge wild boar, some from the deep ride lizards, others ride huge dire wolves and orc heroes rode wyvern
59 In the war I saw orcs elect a new leader with a dance contest. They said wasting good orcs with violence was helping the enemy
60 Orc tooth tipped arrows can kill and elf if made by shaman of the elf-eater cult. Elves have a bounty on this cult
61 Most of the chaotic orcs you see worship demon cults, adopting their sigils. Over time they come to develop traits of their patrons and specific cult mutations. Mostly orcs tend to law and evil 
62 Orcs treat prisoners wounds and carry them for days. Only when hard-pressed did they eat a few to stop a goblin thrall riot. Orc slaves often earn freedom after years of service and get treated better than goblins. They will also random off well off prisoners keeping them for years
63 Orcs often seem confused buy luxury and they often have been seen destroying statues and masterworks. They dread the softness civilisation brings like it has to humans and elves. Metal items can be traded or recycled but works of symbolic waste disgust them. The art in their palaces and temples are mostly to generate fear and suggest leaders or tribal power
64 Orcs are very canny with money and materials using the least material for the most effective. Items being more uncomfortable to use or with sharp edges doesn't bother them.  
65 When you give an orc crafter materials for a job they will always come out with spare scraps for some other project
66 Orcs frown on waste and comfort. They had nothing for so long and they still don't feel they can afford to squander wealth in a world set on destroying them all. Lots of orcs collect string, pebbles and other scraps "just in case"
67 Orcs have been known to serve giants. Some are slaves but many choose giants over humans and their gods who keep the orc and giant down
68 Some orcs came and sacked a monument of a paladin standing on a pyramid of orc heads. Just rubble now 
69 I had to look after work prisoner labour gangs after the war, and they seemed utterly unaware humans were not made by wizards or the differences between men and women. They thought children were a slave race or sprites 
70 I met an orc shaman who explained many orc ancestral spirits are cursed and mutilated in magical and spiritual warfare in the past. The shaman led his followers to try and free these cursed souls and remove the corruptions of chaos and dark lords so the dead can rest
71 A tavern of war veterans was comparing their orc-ear-necklaces and all of them were found dead poisoned or stabbed
72 Lots of orcs kept being bastards after the war because of all those cursed evil relics the dark lord handed out like honey cakes. If you're not allied to evil many of those relics will turn bad or turn you bad. Also, why give up that magic if it kills better 
73 Orcs can survive in the worst places humans cannot and living in hellish places means humans will not encroach. This makes them harsh and unforgiving and often exposes them to evil influences in such forbidden lands. The humans in the same places are similar
74 Orcs perform secret rituals in wild places with whicker structures covered in flours and vegetation which they destroy after so outsiders never see them
75 The idea there is only one kind of orc and they are bad is a popular view. Many orcs think humans are all mass murderers
76 People say orcs and elves hate each other but they know each other quite well and sometimes share enemies. They have made no direct action on each other for centuries
77 Orc sympathisers are in league with chaos, demons, witches, devils, mutants and cthulhu
78 The real trouble will be when nobility realise orcs are cheaper to feed than humans and put up with more suffering, the common humans will be finished
79 I heard a few tales of orc wizards recently which sounds bad. Probably turn us into frogs then eat us. Some are overcoming their suspicion of wizardry  
80 Orc gods are vindictive and vengeful entities orcs worshipped just to spite humans
81 Ogres sometimes live among chaotic orcs sometimes as bullies or elites or as slaves 
82 Deep under the earth, there are orc kingdoms thousands of years old, civilised with great armies unseen on the surface this age and in eternal unseen war
83 If you know the right gestures and signs you can challenge some orc leaders to battle 
84 Orcs can be dealt with by gift of food and weapons to start a parley
85 To an orc taking a cursed thing and making it work for you is seen as great cunning
86 One of the old elf to orc dark rituals of old could make a single elf into many orcs
87 The towns that ban orc labour have more orc bandits
88 Orcs don't discuss their families or children so no enemies will learn of them and harm them. What seems callous or proof of their lack of family is an actually deliberate reaction to humans massacring orc families
89 Lots of humans are raised by orcs and live as orcs. Especially when orcs can't replace children fast enough they will adopt war orphan humans (but not demihumans)
90 Orcs don't really find humans or elves attractive but some take delight in tormenting pretty things for their evil masters and just spite from evil upbringing
91 Some wizards crossed ogres and orcs to breed sterile bodyguards, not as dumb or big as ogres but big orcs
92 Orcs forearms are slightly longer than humans and have a peculiar gait. 
93 A typical orc is a match for a common guard or regular soldier but the professional arc warriors and especially orc barbarians who were bred by evil wizards as let's troops long ago making them stronger and better in light with powerful leaps
94 Chaos orcs appearance varies more depending on their cult but also carry deformities from diseases and parasites common to chaos warbands and being intimate with demons
95 Long ago there was a tribe of dire-wolf-orc centaurs or perhaps people then had not seen anyone ride animals
96 The orcs of the deep have a pantheon of orc gods who claim other accounts of orc origins are enemy lies. These orcs claim blood from ogres and giants making them frightening but also have heavy infantry and pike formations and crossbows
97 Some orcs worship siege weapons as mobile shrines dedicated to an orc ancestor, devil or demon
98 Druidic orcs seem like many other hidden woodland races and wild forest people and they all intermingle in secret and avoid humans
99 Orcs have been seen in legions of hell and in service to demon nobility on their floating realms in the maelstrom
100 Orcs have offered some humans to come and live among them for a year or even come to a feast to help peace. So far nobody is willing to go as everyone knows orcs are just useless cannibalistic sadistic fiends with no culture or individuality

Eat your bone too or Drizzzt will come and murder everyone you know

Next: how all dwarfs are really bearded women
and how only 1% of elves reach puberty ever

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