Saturday, 30 September 2017

d100 Wizard Smack Talk

d100 Wizard Smacktalk
Wizards are a special kind of jerk and just like other monsters they like saying things to provoke action or intimidate victims. Wizards don't care if they hurt your feelings. If your lucky they will turn you into a newt and they will put you in a potion. Wizards typically have some mooks with them to avoid getting distracted by close range stabbin in combat. Wizards like to make themselves sound important and superior and more cleverererfied and learnificated. Some are a bit paranoid and suppose enemies are part of a plot. They probably do have enemies but they might assume intruders are part of a megaplot against them because they think the universe revolves around them.

d100 Wizard Smacktalk

1 Bring them to me my minions, I wish to examine them in my chambers!
2 Destroy them my pretty pets! Do as you please with these wretched weaklings!
3 Bow down before my bolts of bedevilment you foul defilers of my sanctum!
4 More fresh meat for my laboratory and my pets
5 With some modifications these might just make my newest slaves
6 These weak and feeble intruders will make me fine undead servants forever
7 I am the master here and I command you to die!
8 My will here is supreme, bow before me like dogs and I may spare you my wrath
9 Your puny insignificant beings cannot comprehend the fell powers I command!
10 You have excellent bone structure, your skeletons will make fine editions to my collection
11 Tell me which of my enemies sent you or you will suffer the torments of hell!
12 My eldritch powers will reduce your bodies to ash and banish your souls to limbo
13 So which will be the first of you to die before my will?
14 My wand shoots seven kinds of prismatic bolts, do you feel lucky puny mortal?
15 You will be my helpless prisoners and I will defile and break you all
16 When I have you in my lab you will pity yourself for the  foolish day you came here
17 Your worthless sack of flesh will be lifeless for my will to toy with as it pleases
18 Your corpses will be my puppets, obedient to my every dark desire!
19 You will by my playthings, toys of flesh obedient to my every thought
20 My demons will punish you, your souls will be torn and dragged to the abyss screaming
21 My spells will shatter your puny shells and tear your minds assunter
22 Your insignificance cannot be overestimated, shortly I will be wiping your ashes off my boots
23 Ah just the body parts I needed for a project, please stand still!
24 Ahhh you must be the petty matter my horoscope said I would walk all over today
25 What to turn you into? Orcs, Frogs or just corpses!
26 My mighty intellect cannot be distracted by these sub normal simpletons. Away with ye!
27 How dare you come here and take what is rightfully mine! Death to thieves!
28 By the celestial spheres of Yog Sothoth! Death to the defilers!
29 I'm going to do to your body what demons are going to do to your souls!
30 Now just hold still while I remember my spell to destroy you!
31 Now be a bunch of good eggs and stay still while I destroy you!
32 You protoplasmic peons, your pugilism and pilfering will be properly penalized!
33 You will not live to regret your foolish decision to come here and vex me
34 I didn't learn these spells just to have to waste my time to destroy cretins like you
35 Ah yes just what I was looking for to try this new spell I've been working on
36 I hope you've wondered what your insides look like because your about to find out
37 Oh goody I do like explosions! Weeeee!
38 So which one of you wants to be my slave and which ones want to be dead?
39 Nothing like the scent of roast man flesh to get my minions exited
40 If you start to run now one of you might live
41 Surrender and my minions will use you for play till they get bored or I destroy you now
42 How dare you kill my monsters! You rascally rotters shall die painfully!
43 You bastards! How dare you come into my domain! Die!
44 Your bones and skin will decorate my bedchamber
45 You stupid cretins. How can morons like you challenge I, a master of magic?
46 Pathetic weaklings, I will tear out your spines from your screaming corpses
47 You poor pathetic fools, time to die
48 Don't you think of your poor mothers who will weep when you don't come home?
49 All those muscles and barely any brains between you. You deserve death
50 Its a shame you wasted your whole lives just to reach this moment and die like worms
51 Why would you invite death by coming before me? You misguided simpletons
52 Im going to freeze your body then shatter your organs like glass
53 You desperate maggots, grubbing about in the earth for treasure, now you die like worms
54 Your feeble lives mean nothing to us, you shall be crushed like turds on a road
55 So your here to be our new slaves? On your knees now or die!
56 Ahh my minions needed some entertainment, and you have come dressed as adventurers!
57 You thought you could come here and rob these poor creatures? Die you heartless monsters!
58 You utter stupid shits! You just come in here and ruin my shit. You are so dead.
59 So you thought you could just take what you wanted without getting killed eh?
60 Months of planning ruined. I would have gotten away with it if not for you meddling kids!
61 Your lives are but grains of sand, tiny, insignificant and forgotten with the slightest wind
62 Your kinds are numbered. A great doom is coming for you all
63 Soon a great tide shal sweep across the world leaving all you love heaps of ash
63 The age of wizards is upon us, mere swords are for puny slaves
64 So youve been sent to kill me. Well your master will be disappointed. I'm ready for you now!
65 So you have stumbled across my plans, well it is too late to stop me now when your about to die
66 Ive been expecting you! My enemies are always sending assassins. You like them will burn
67 So you've found me eh? I knew you were after me. Well now you pay the price!
68 You killed my lover, burned my books and stole my treasure. I now it was you now die!
69 I spent years hand raising those darling baby monsters and you just killed them!
70 If I was in a good mood I might just torture you but I'm too busy to be bothered with losers
71 Do I turn you all into pigs for my minions to eat or do I just burn you now
72 Ahh I needed some fresh zombies, thank you for coming in such a timely fashion!
73 You goddamn bastards! Do you really think I can afford to have meatheads like you here!
74 Some kind of heroes are you, well lets see you become famous after i do this!
75 Aw crap it's you guys. How did you recover from last time I killed you all? Ah well...
76 If you don't surrender now I will polymorph you all into desirable orc concubines
77 Youve been helping my enemies plot against me well now you pay the price with pain!
78 Cheap thugs like you might have concerned me when I was a boy but now I have the power
79 My guardian Daemons and Elementals are more than a match for your puny best efforts
80 You've been gossiping about me, trying to make my minions revolt! I'm not paranoid!
81 You festering gobshite cretins, don't you know who I am!
82 I don't jump on your bed when your hard at work, why are you in my dungeon?
83 You vomit and piss stained murder hobo drunks can't stop our righteous wrath!
84 What are a bunch of shit stained rentboys like you doing here? Nobody wants you here
85 Ah what a pretty bunch of eunuchs in costume as fighting men, what foolish jest is this?
86 Careful not to touch them men, they are stained by venereal diseases from the foulest whorehouses
87 A bunch of brain damaged drunkards eh, Ive no copper for filthy beggars like you
88 Why you are the ugliest orcs I've ever seen. Ive no pigs for you to make love to here
89 What open arsed foul creatures from the pit are these sorry creatures?
90 Some murderous cowards eh, ready to run home for a nap to mummy with the slightest prick
91 Watch men, these incontinent bastards will slip in their own filth running away from us
92 These swine kissing perverts will screw anything, watch your asses my minions!
93 Ugh! what wretched creatures! What shame the parents who spawned them must feel
94 Filthy sons of whores, we have no use of your lewd filth here, begone to you hag mothers teats
95 What dirty band of felchers have we here! Come to drink our chamber pots of piss
96 What feckless fools do we have here, winners of the village idiot competition by the looks
97 What walking sacks of shite are these lumbering oafs? Go home you stupid ape creatures!
98 Here come a band of babbling pudding brained fools now. We don't what whatever your selling
99 More suicidal fools, dont make this too quick minions, they need to suffer, cripple them
100 What hideous visages, some drink sodden wizard must have made such ugly malcontents

Also try this

i ran the above d100 through this...

d100 ye olde wizard smacktalk

1 bringeth those folk to me mine own minions, i wisheth to examineth those folk in mine own chamb'rs!
2 destroyeth those folk mine own quaint pets! doth as thee prithee with these wretch'd weaklings!
3 boweth down bef're mine own bolts of bedevilment thee foul defil'rs of mine own sanctum!
4 m're green meat f'r mine own lab'rat'ry and mine own pets
5 with some modifications these might just maketh mine own newest slaves
6 these weak and feeble intrud'rs shall maketh me fine undead s'rvants f'rev'r
7 i am the mast'r h're and i commandeth thee to kicketh the bucket!
8 mine own shall h're is supreme, boweth bef're me liketh dogs and i may spareth thee mine own wrath
9 thy puny insignificant beings cannot comprehend the hath fallen pow'rs i commandeth!
10 thee has't excellent bone structureth, thy skeletons shall maketh fine editions to mine own collection
11 bid me which of mine own enemies hath sent thee 'r thee shall suff'r the t'rments of hell!
12 mine own eldritch pow'rs shall reduceth thy bodies to ash and banish thy souls to limbo
13 so which shall beest the first of thee to kicketh the bucket bef're mine own shall?
14 mine own wand shoots seven kinds of prismatic bolts, doth thee feeleth lucky puny m'rtal?
15 thee shall beest mine own helpless prison'rs and i shall defile and breaketh thee all
16 at which hour i has't thee in mine own lab thee shall pity yourself f'r the  foolish day thee cameth h're
17 thy w'rthless sacketh of flesh shall beest lifeless f'r mine own shall to toy with as t pleases
18 thy c'rpses shall beest mine own puppets, obedient to mine own ev'ry dark desire!
19 thee shall by mine own playthings, toys of flesh obedient to mine own ev'ry bethought
20 mine own demons shall punisheth thee, thy souls shall beest t'rn and did drag to the abyss screaming
21 mine own spells shall shatt'r thy puny shells and teareth thy minds assunt'r
22 thy insignificance cannot beest ov'restimated, sh'rtly i shall beest wiping thy ashes off mine own boots
23 ah just the corse parts i did need f'r a projecteth, prithee stand!
24 ahhh thee wilt beest the petty matt'r mine own h'roscope hath said i wouldst walketh all ov'r the present day
25 what to turneth thee into? orcs, frogs 'r just c'rpses!
26 mine own palmy intellect cannot beest distract'd by these sub n'rmal simpletons. Hence with ye!
27 how dareth thee cometh h're and taketh what is rightfully mineth! death to thieves!
28 by the celestial sph'res of yog sothoth! death to the defil'rs!
29 i'm going to doth to thy corse what demons art going to doth to thy souls!
30 anon just holdeth still while i rememb'r mine own spelleth to destroyeth thee!
31 anon beest a bunch of valorous eggs and stayeth still while i destroyeth thee!
32 thee protoplasmic peons, thy pugilism and pilf'ring shall beest prop'rly penalized!
33 thee shall not liveth to regreteth thy foolish decision to cometh h're and vexeth me
34 i didn't learneth these spells just to has't to wasteth mine own timeth to destroyeth cretins liketh thee
35 ah aye just what i wast looking f'r to tryeth this new spelleth i've been w'rking on
36 i desire thee've wond'r'd what thy insides behold liketh because thy about to findeth out
37 oh goody i doth liketh explosions! weeeee!
38 so which one of thee wanteth to beest mine own slave and which ones wanteth to beest dead?
39 nothing liketh the scent of roast sir flesh to receiveth mine own minions exit'd
40 if 't be true thee starteth to runneth anon one of thee might liveth
41 surrend'r and mine own minions shall useth thee f'r playeth till those gents receiveth b'r'd 'r i destroyeth thee anon
42 how dareth thee killeth mine own monst'rs! thee rascally rott'rs shalt kicketh the bucket painfully!
43 thee bastards! how dareth thee cometh into mine own domain! kicketh the bucket!
44 thy bones and skin shall dec'rate mine own bedchamb'r
45 thee no more brain than stone cretins. How can m'rons liketh thee dare i, a mast'r of charm?
46 pathetic weaklings, i shall drop of sorrow out thy spines from thy screaming c'rpses
47 thee po'r pathetic daws, timeth to kicketh the bucket
48 thee not bethink of thy po'r moth'rs who is't shall weepeth at which hour thee cometh not home?
49 all those muscles and barely any brains between thee. Thee des'rve death
50 its a shame thee did waste thy whole liveth just to reacheth this moment and kicketh the bucket liketh w'rms
51 wherefore wouldst thee inviteth death by coming bef're me? thee misguid'd simpletons
52 im going to freezeth thy corse then shatt'r thy 'rgans liketh glass
53 thee desp'rate maggots, grubbing about in the earth f'r treasure, anon thee kicketh the bucket liketh w'rms
54 thy feeble liveth cullionly nothing to us, thee shalt beest did crush liketh turds on a road
55 so thy h're to beest our new slaves? on thy hams anon 'r kicketh the bucket!
56 ahh mine own minions did need some ent'rtainment, and thee has't cometh did dress as adventur'rs!
57 thee bethought thee couldst cometh h're and robeth these po'r creatures? kicketh the bucket thee heartless monst'rs!
58 thee utt'r no more brain than stone shits! thee just cometh in h're and rid mine own the horror. Thou art so dead.
 59 so thee bethought thee couldst just taketh what thee did want without getting hath killed eh?
60 months of planning ruin'd. I wouldst has't gotten hence with t if 't be true not f'r thee meddling kids!
61 thy liveth art but grains of sand, tiny, insignificant and f'rgotten with the slightest windeth
62 thy kinds art numb'r'd. A most wondrous doom is coming f'r thee all
63 lief a most wondrous tide shal sweepeth across the w'rld leaving all thee loveth heaps of ash
63 the age of wizards is upon us, m're sw'rds art f'r puny slaves
64 so youve been hath sent to killeth me. Well thy mast'r shall beest disappoint'd. I'm eft f'r thee anon!
65 so thee has't stumbl'd across mine own plans, well t is too late to stand ho me anon at which hour thy about to kicketh the bucket
66 ive been expecting thee! mine own enemies art at each moment sending assassins. Thee liketh those folk shall burneth
67 so thee've hath found me eh? i kneweth thee w're aft'r me. Well anon thee payeth the price!
68 thee hath killed mine own lov'r, burn'd mine own books and did steal mine own treasure. I anon t wast thee anon kicketh the bucket!
69 i hath spent years handeth raising those ladybird baby monst'rs and thee just hath killed those folk!
70 if 't be true i wast in a valorous humor i might just t'rture thee but i'm too busy to beest both'r'd with los'rs
71 doth i turneth thee all into pigs f'r mine own minions to consume 'r doth i just burneth thee anon
72 ahh i did need some green carrions, thanketh thee f'r coming in such a timely fashion!
73 thee goddamn bastards! doth thee very much bethink i can aff'rd to has't meatheads liketh thee h're!
74 some kind of h'roes art thee, well lets seeth thee becometh famous aft'r i doth this!
75 aw alas t's thee guys. How didst thee recov'r from lasteth timeth i hath killed thee all? ah well.
 76 if 't be true thee surrend'r not anon i shall polym'rph thee all into desirable 'rc concubines
77 youve been helping mine own enemies plot 'gainst me well anon thee payeth the price with teen!
78 vile thugs liketh thee might has't conc'rn'd me at which hour i wast a knave but anon i has't the pow'r
79 mine own guardian daemons and elementals art m're than a matcheth f'r thy puny most wondrous eff'rts
80 thee've been gossiping about me, trying to maketh mine own minions revolt! i'm not paranoid!
81 thee fest'ring gobshite cretins, thee not knoweth who is't i am!
82 i jumpeth not on thy sleep chamber at which hour thy hard at w'rk, wherefore art thee in mine own dungeon?
83 thee heave the gorge and piss stain'd murd'r hobo drunks can't stand ho our righteous wrath!
84 what art a bunch of the horror stain'd rentboys liketh thee doing h're? nobody wanteth thee h're
85 ah what a quaint bunch of eunuchs in costume as fighting men, what foolish gleek is this?
86 careful not to toucheth those folk men, those gents art stain'd by ven'real diseases from the foulest wh'rehouses
87 a bunch of brain did damage drunkards eh, ive nay copp'r f'r filthy beggars liketh thee
88 wherefore thou art the ugliest 'rcs i've ev'r seen. Ive nay pigs f'r thee to maketh loveth to h're
89 what ope ars'd foul creatures from the pit art these s'rry creatures?
90 some murd'rous cowards eh, eft to runneth home f'r a nap to mummy with the slightest pricketh
91 gaze men, these incontinent bastards shall slipeth in their owneth filth running hence from us
92 these swine kissing p'rv'rts shall screweth aught, gaze thy asses mine own minions!
93 fie! what wretch'd creatures! what shame the parents who is't spawn'd those folk wilt feeleth
94 filthy sons of wh'res, we has't nay useth of thy lewd filth h're, begone to thee hag moth'rs teats
95 what filthy band of felch'rs has't we h're! cometh to drinketh our chamb'r pots of piss
96 what feckless daws doth we has't h're, winn'rs of the village clotpole competition by the looks
97 what walking sacks of shite art these lumb'ring oafs? wend home thee no more brain than stone ape creatures!
98 h're cometh a band of babbling pudding brain'd daws anon. We what not whatev'r thy selling
99 m're suicidal daws, dont maketh this too quick minions, those gents needeth to suff'r, cripple those folk
100 what hideous visages, some drinketh sodden wizard might not but has't madeth such like a toad, ugly and venemous malcontents

1 comment:

  1. This is positively magnificent. I loved your monster smack-talk, and these are even better!


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