Monday 25 September 2017

d100 Monster Bully Smack Talk

Monsters are not just bad guys who eat a princess and molest your animals. They are bullies who pick fights. You know what it's like your in monsterland or went into the wrong level and you just wanna get out the dungeon and some monster starts giving you a hard time. Jerks. Here are things monster bullies like to say to have a fight. Monster bully talk is just the shit monsters say as pretext to a fight. A hero might get a good line back on them ar one of those cool lines you drop when you kill a enemy. Arguments might happen but the bully is not interested. He will change topic, come up with second or thrid pretext to fight. Hie argument is genuine, just use to make the coming fight more personal.

Many fighting forces from tribal persons or tense border tensions practice provoking fights. Taunting might be used to make encounter happen faster to stop them escaping or just moving on. Nobody wants to run and enter a chase realty. Some peoples constantly skirmish which seems not as bad as war actually kills more and reduces life expectancy over a lifetime from constant skirmishes. Often both sides could make morale rolls to see how committed they are with mods for numeric superiority. Skirmishes that start from this abuse might break off after first blood and a injury or a death might make both sides withdraw. Neither are committed to systematically killing the enemy people playing by the same rules. Of course everyone following these rules might unite if other different cultures invade.

After insulting which might lead to more abuse or an argument, the combatants or just the leaders will introduce themselves then boast (d100 monster boasts?).

Then fight. Usually when a side first has a bad injury or death they each get a morale check and mostly both back off. Not all fights have to be fatal to the point of elimination. Most skirmishes from a tribal spat to schoolyard usually don't fight till everybody is dead. Skirmishes are more likely outdoors or not committed to holding the encounter point.

Those guys that run away help the reputation of the victors. Enemies may respect you or target you if you play by the rules. Barbarians enjoy this kind of fighting and it helps to toughen up people in a way dedicated farmer feudal culture cant. Fame and glory are helped when monsters spread your name. When you butcher a room of monsters there are none to say it ever happened.

If they are really committed like defending their home or family they might fight to death.
If they thought humans would not spare them then they would also fight to the death.

It makes fights more memorable than you meet ten orcs and kill them.

Monsters are not up to date with their dungeon sensitivity training, they say things polite people don't. It really helps them define their monster hood. Trolls were masters of this. Sorry take it up with the wizard or evil high priest if you don't like monsters bad language. Monster smack talk wants to trigger you into messing up.
d100 Monster Bully Smack Talk
01 They taste good both ways lets cut im in half and see
02 That one needs a good beating before we cook him, looks stringy
03 Humans eh, look at all the beastmen around here better lock up all our animals
04 My last human broke so we ate him, this is my lucky day
05 Hey check out these stinking losers, lets get em
06 I bet that ones got a book, i need some toilet paper
07 What are you looking at?
08 You got a pretty mouth boy
09 Here come some little bitches now
10 Humans! havent we eaten enough this week?

11 I know that ones mom....snigger
12 If you make it hard for us to kill you we gonna torture you for days

13 i cant tell if they are male or female, they al the same bending over
14 Hey you know what we do to your kind around here?
15 Gotta check for lycanthropy, lets skinnem to be sure
16 We gotta search you guys, secret wizard business
17 That one would only take one punch
18 Hey my kid collects ears and you've all got plenty
19 Shall we eat them or just torture them?
20 Take our land and treat us worse than cattle
21 I bet that one would squeal like a pig
22 Hey did you just think you could walk around here with our stuff
23 Hey those guys look like they are here to cause trouble. Get em!
24 I bags the pretty weak looking one with the wig
25 What are you doing on our land stinking up the place?
26 Who let you out of your cage, Your bad animals put down those weapons
27 Hey these guys think they can just walk around like they own the place
28 Phwoar something skinks, these walking dead over hear
29 Hey have you paid your special wimp toll?
30 Which one will taste best? Better try them all then decide
31 Finally some prostitutes around here, hope they last longer than the last lot
32 Ill show you how to take of their skin in one piece, that one will do first
33 Dam adventurers taking our treasure, killing our monsters, im sick of them
34 I think I will make that one my wife he has a nice stink
35 Hey you cant be too fussy down here, what happens in the dungeon stays here
36 They all look the same, especially on the inside let me show you
37 I think these ones are all eunuchs, nice soft meat, they stink like fancy hookers
38 I like to stuff them with herbs before i cook em, that one has a good rump
39 I don't like that ones face, reminds me of the human that killed my Pa
40 I've got a dress that will fit that one, then we can sell it for extra
41 I havent sacrifced anyone to the dark gods today and look what we have here
42 Do you think the gods will like these ones? They look full of blood
43 Are you sure strangling them with their own intestines improves the flavour?
44 They have such puny little turd gods it's a wonder they amount to anything
45 They are just asking for it walking around like they own the place
46 Probably here to steal our turds we better show em whos boss
47 I cant wait to get hold of those little legs and break em to make a wish
48 Look at those smug little faces, im gonna cut em off to feed to the pigs
49 Don't you know daddy doesn't like it when you play with his weapons and armour
50 Hey look, humans! Its like they want us to do whatever we want to them
51 Shall we bet which one lives the longest or screams the loudest
52 I hear lots swallow their treasure so we gotta squeeze their guts out proper 
53 I hope some have tattoos my mum needs a new fancy leather apron
54 Hey that head would look great in my collection come here
55 Hey humies, get on your knees and bleat like sheep, now you weaklings
56 These ones are pretty ugly, sure they are not your kids
57 Hey the new maids are here to clean up, those outfits are such a tease
58 Hey pretty boy whats your name? I want you!
59 All humans just bend over and take it when you show them who's boss, watch this
60 Hey I like those clothes. Give them to me now!
61 Ok humies hand over the cash and weapons and we wont have to kill you this time
62 That one looked at me funny, they must all wunna die
63 The skin on that one is just the colour i wanted for my new boots 
64 I tell you the fat one will last the longest just kill the rest
65 Hey ugly who let you walk around our place with that face?
66 Here we are minding our business when these human thugs show up on our turf
67 These look pretty weak, lets just kill them and knock off for the day
68 Hey these meatbags were just the dinner we were looking for
69 We will get one of them to chop the other ones up so we dont have to work
70 Wow their skin is so soft and hair so pretty i wanna marry that one
71 Thier armour is pretty weak, lots of warm meat once you peel it off
72 They are just thugs and robbers. What are you doing here on our watch?!
73 We can eat that one, sell that one and sacrifce the rest
74 Don't we need a virgin sacrifice at the temple? Nope. Great we can do whatever we like
75 No point keeping them fresh fellas, kill em and gut em now, dinner soon
76 They dont learn our ways or customs, they make no effort to fit in, im gonna show em
77 I hate it when they speak that stupid language of theirs
78 I tell you they have a extra hole. No that was just a stab wound, i will show you
79 Do we need more prisoners or meat these ones stink bad?
80 I want to touch that one with the pretty skin and lips
81 So they have tails underneath? Shall we make them show us or just kill em and see
82 Humans cant help but be violent they is all diseased in the noggin, have a look
83 If your lucky sometimes they have gold and gems inside. He you come here!
84 Humans just come here for the sex, Ill show you
85 Hey your new, tell those humans to hand over their money and weapons and strip!
86 Look at all the lovely stuff the humies brought for us and the rest is good for sausages
87 look at these chumps, Ill have on their knees begging in seconds
88 I tell you the magic ones all have sparkles inside let me show you
89 Wake up guys our hookers finally got here, i bags that one
90 These ones look healthy, they will taste better, not so slimey and stringy
91 It doesn't count if you do it to a human hey there's some now 
92 I tell you they are part lizard in disguise, lets cut up those ones and look at their bones 
93 Humans sure do eat fancy food, lets gut those ones and have a look if its any good
94 Humans say we ain't got souls or we all damned, lets cut em open and see theirs 
95 Came here to murder us eh, on our turf, you're gonna die you bastards
96 Blood and souls for chaos! Show them our Hatred!
97 Death to the vile mankind! kill him! Eat him! Kill Them! Eat them, kill them all
98 Our kind only wanted what was ours back, you humans kill and steal everything!
99 Our alignment must be upheld as supreme, death to the outsiders!
100 Hey you over there! whats your alignments?

I could do another one of these...
Or righteous abuse for clerics, paladins, nobles
-In the name of virtue slay these damned fiends
Monster introductory boasts
- I am Arkarjanx! I have killed forty of your race and ruined their corpses for even crows!


  1. Replies
    1. Not mine i think their mon did it with a pig and a goblin or a donkey or something. Those humans will do anything.

  2. Paladin smack talk would be excellent!
    "Be ye gone filth! Thy presence is a foulness upon the natural world!"


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