Monday, 29 May 2017

d100 Wizard Dicks by Request

This is what happens when nobody gives me sensible requests.
I don't get how this is metal. I don't listen to metal but I'm glad it exists.
If someone offers you a wizard dick you should probably say no
Could be good for curses. please don't ask me for wizard tits.

d100 Wizard Dicks by request
01 Dragon dick shoots d3 micro fireballs when aroused, sleeps if covered
02 Tentacle dick - one foot long prehensile
03 Slobbering tongue dick one foot long not that great for wizard
04 talking dick verbally offers advice on how to get laid constantly
05 Detachable dick will wander off on own if neglected for 24 hours
06 Tree dick is made of wood and has tiny green leaves
07 Newt dick is slime and tries to escape when aroused causes hallucinations if licked
08 Fire dick bursts into flame if aroused and immune to fire, fire elementals like it
09 Water dick turns into bubble of water when aroused mostly useless
10 Earth dick turns into stone when aroused with no feeling but elementals like it

11 Air dick turns invisible when aroused but air elementals can see it
12 Necrodick is rotting and smelly but undead ladies might like it

13 Crystal dick is a foot long colourful crystal formation
14 Rabbit dick tries to escape and bites you if you touch it 
15 Ethereal dick can only affect creatures on the ethereal plane looks like a ghost dick
16 Snake dick can eat mice or rats and bites anything in front of it 1in6 is a cobra
17 Insect dick not terribly appealing
18 Echidna dick has multiple heads and is pretty appealing
19 Bat dick has wings and screeching bat head
20 Rhino dick 1.5 yards long when aroused save vs unconsciousness each round
21 Prismatic dick changes every colour with various dangerous magic effects
22 Duck dick is a writhing worm like tube as long as wizard is tall normally inside body
23 Footlong demon penis tries to convince you to cut it off with horrible lies
24 Has mothers face and hair on end berates you when aroused and gives advice
25 Cactus dick covered in inch long spikes
26 Displacing dick actually 4" inches away from where it looks
27 Spider dick has spindly legs and horrible poison fangs that bites anyone who comes near
28 Yard long elephant trunk dick rolls up when not in use
29 Skeleton key bone dick can pick locks and is very enjoyable
30 Lute dick can play popular bardic tunes
31 Chimera dick has a lion and a goat head that are jerks
32 Hook dick can support wizards weight effortlessly, not very appealing
33 Raven dick a squawking bird that repeats phrases like "nevermore"
34 Plutonian dick can travel in time to primordial past when aroused
35 Frill necked lizard dick when aroused opens its frill and hisses aggressively
36 Rose dick has thorny green shaft and bud opens when aroused, attracts bees
37 Volcano dick of obsidian when aroused leaks molten rock and smoke
38 Squid dick has ten barbed tentacles and latches onto anything and tries to bite 
39 Dog dick has friendly furry dog dick that woofs lots
40 Cat dick furry and temperamental but bites when happy
41 Moray eel dick snaps at strangers
42 Shark dick chomps gobs of meat from anything near by if aroused
43 Trumpet disk blows revelry every morning and when aroused
44 Roper dick has one eye, four tentacles is hyper intelligent and evil
45 Cave fisher dick has lobster claws, lowers long sticky proboscis to trap small creatures
46 Lamprey dick is a blood sucking horror
47 A small iron cannon dick when aroused fires a tiny cannonball with loud bang
48 Flute dick very enjoyable when others play it
49 Icicle dick is a lump of para elemental ice that has a deadly point tip
50 Ghoul dick is a rotting glowing dick that causes paralysis on touch
51 Candy cane dick is a sweet striped mint flavoured candy treat
52 Devil penis has sulphur spitting face that will become normal for price of your soul
53 Drill penis enjoys boring through wood or meat d4 damage
54 Scissor penis enjoys cutting things
55 Lamp penis has glowing head which works as a light source
56 Lotus pipe dick like a pipe stem if smoked has addictive lotus smoke
57 Golden holy dick covered in holy symbols ejaculates holy water on climax
58 Boat dick is a tiny galleon with crew of micro seamen on board
59 Metal robotic dick can interface with advanced technology
60 Knife penis enjoys stabbing things
61 Bagpipe dick makes horrible loud noise when aroused
62 Ovipositor tube deposits wizard clone eggs in victims that hatch and eat way out
63 Goblin dick is green a foot long and ejaculates a gallon of green slime at a time
64 Mushroom head opens on arousal and releases mushroom spores when ejaculates
65 Screeching monkey face dick makes annoying noises
66 Prehensile dick can elongate to ten foot long and can be used to swing and climb
67 Acid dick urinates corrosive fluid that can cut metal or inflict a d4 damage
68 Milk dick urinates cow milk and ejaculates butter
69 Bee dick shoots out angry bees when ejaculating and pees honey
70 Electric dick shoots a d6 lightning bolt when ejaculating
71 Gore dick urinates blood and ejaculates blood clots
72 Rope dick can elongate to 100 foot of rope but cutting it unappealing
73 Hammer dick only feels pleasure when hammering nails, spikes or stakes
74 Flesh flower dick when aroused opens like a flower releasing calming pollen
75 Wand dick can shoot a magic missile per round while masturbating
76 Web dick is a monstrous flesh trumpet that can shoot a web on climax
77 Butterfly dick that ejaculates butterflies on climax
78 Rust monster cock works like a rust monster tentacle
79 Unicorn horn dick can purify water on contact, urinates pure spring water
80 Nega-dick fires bolts of life draining energy for d4 instead of urinating or ejacuulating 
81 Ghost dick is semi transparent and ejaculates masses of ectoplasm
82 Party dick urinates beer
83 Troll dick two feet long and regenerates unless burned or damaged with acid
84 Basilisk dick turns lovers to stone on climax
85 Manna dick glows when aroused and ejaculates d4 healing potion
86 Polymorphing dick turns sex partner into random animal on climax
87 Abyssal dick ejaculates demon ichor that turns lovers into lesser demons 
88 Witch dick allows you to fly when erect and naked with no baggage
89 Bronze penis unfeeling always erect and two foot long   
90 A foot comes from wizards groin 12 inches long
91 A forearm comes from the wizards groin with a functional hand
92 A duck neck and head grows from wizards groin and quacks in all kinds of situations
93 Wizards dick can sing and likes to set the mood with popular folk songs
94 Wizards freakish demon dick can shoot a live bat each round
95 Wizards freakish dick with elder sigils can ejaculate one pound micro shoggoths 
96 A mass of tentacles with a eye and a beak
97 Fully functional enormous male and female genitals and functional womb
98 A golden jewel encrusted sceptre fit for a king two feet long
99 A gorgons face on the end of a scaly dick with glowing eyes that can turn people to stone
100 Chaos dick - reroll every day on this table

Please send me sensible requests
If you like this post make a pdf in case


  1. would you care to do d100 bootleg boozes? when theres enough variety of weird ingredients that alchemy can be a thing you have to wonder how many weird brews people have tried to make. i'd also be interested on the fine stills of Xor, if they can even squeeze, ferment, or vomit up something resembling liquor

    1. d100 weird booze table sounds good
      mostly on xor they drink fermented mole rat milk or other milk drinks possibly blended with tears, peptides and hormones

  2. when i read the title I thought we were just going to get wizards that were jerks.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. i would expect any wizard rolling on this is a jerk

    3. Me too! Let's make it a formal request: "Jerk Wizards"

  3. How is this not a sensible list? This is the kind of list I find highly useful in my Gamma World/Mutant Future games! Hell, I would condense some the entries to fit more stuff in it. A fly-eating frog-headed dick or vibrating robodick, anyone? ;)

    Speaking of Gamma World...

    What about a d100 list of strangely specific items (that are actually obscure movie/TV pop-culture references) found among the junk of post-apocalyptic treasure (with no references, so readers would have to guess what each one relates to), like with the Treasure Tables form (1e) Gamma World?

  4. A request for requests? Well, I've been toying with the idea of a Judge Dredd microcampaign. How about D100 Mega City One crimes, or just "D100 wacky future crimes" if you're not that into 2000AD.

    1. this is a goer
      incitement, comic and candy pushing were favorites
      also see this


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