Sunday, 23 February 2020

Magic Jerks You Meet In Taverns

When adventurers in Shadelport visit to go drinking and decide to try a pub in wizard district you might meet these guys. Perhaps in any other tavern, you might meet one or two, three tops. Now players who want a wizard fast might get one of these odd guys. Growing up in a wizards house does not help. All will go on an adventure just for a chance to be jerks. They also might populate magic schools, markets, wizard conferences and seedy underbridge sly magic shops. Perhaps you might hold interviews for a party wizard and pick one of these guys.

Magic Jerks You Meet In Taverns
01 Wants the first choice of all potions and drugs from monsters for treasure share but really wants more drugs by any means. Needs to borrow more money for fresh drugs. I would love to join you. CanI borrow a few pieces of gold? Are we going to have a party before we go"
02 Wants the first choice from non quest scrolls and documents and is looking for occult lore to impress his fellow demon cultists "I am just a humble scolar seeking lost lore"
03 Wants to help cripple a dungeon so he can take over after boss killed and stay "Exploring fell places full of foul fiends is my dream come true"
04 Wants to get out of town because is secretly a were creature provably a rat, bat or wolf "When do we leave"
05 Wants to get out of town as is a cannibal and in need of flesh of intelligent beings flesh and an opportunity to get some. "If we are going from civilasation towards hidden places I will join you"
06 Wants to charm a few monsters as slaves them head home "Will their be monsters?"
07 Wants to charm, polymorph and then make out with monsters, probably leaves quickly "Will there be monsters"
08 Just wants exotic monster body parts to sell to other wizards and checks guts of every monster well was a thief for a few levels "I'm very good at finding lost treasure"
09 Wants to kill monster bosses then lead monster workers to rise up against monster nobility and unite all races in killing the rich "i would love to explore a dungeon or ruin to fight evil"
10 Want to find outsider loner wizards to kill and steal magic books instead of paying for them from stingy masters and schools. "If we may find outlaw wizards to slay I am with you"
11 Flatulent from eating boiled eggs and beans 3 meals a day and farts in dungeons ruining the surprise and increasing encounter odds. "Stinking cloud is my favourite spell"
12 Sneezes lots and is allergic to monsters. Flighty and scared and just learned fireball last week. "I know many deadly spells to destroy our foes"
13 Drunk who drinks while in the dungeon getting slower and stupider and angry. If his drinking mentioned he accuses who brought it up of paranoid abusive stuff and stomps off alone. "I'll join you lets have a beer or two to celebrate"
14 Is very theatrical, wearing fancy clothes, perfumed and attractive. Just research for plays and illusion ideas wants to run a theatre. Thinks all adventurers are murder hobo rock heads "Why yes I would like to see for myself what transpires on these adventures you speak of"
15 Makes long-winded threats and occult theories about everything, nothing is mundane or an accident and he talks about it constantly with old fashioned words. "By the azure maze of Zubulon and the scarlet vault of Azerzax I shall join you"  

16 Tells you about some other great wizard he learned of or how good a parent wizard was. Stories get more wild and impossible. "I'm not as great as certain other wizards but I will join you"
17 Loves fires and likes to start fires and burn stuff "I will show your foes hellfire"
18 Constantly using pipe in the dungeon unless told off and sometimes has a huge water pipe shaped like a skeleton wizard has a floating eyeball familiar. He coughs and nods off lots. "Sure man dungeons are cool"
19 Wants to adopt every monster child and claims party obligated to pay for the baby monsters upkeep. Will eventually go off in a huff with charmed monster babies and cause trouble later taking characters to court for costs. "I would like to see some wild monsters"
20 Wizard loves puns and bad old jokes. Wishes he wasn't so academic and if parents wanted they would have gone to bard school like friends did. likes to smack talk monster and sure they have a high charisma "I cant wait to meet some monsters and tell them what is what!" 
21  Wants revenge on evil priests and cults in the area but any will do. Blames everything on secret cults and conspiracies. Describes lurid things they assume enemies are up to. I just want to find and kill cultists"   
22 Mentions they serve a secret master and cannot say their name, then goes on and on about their mighty demon and every tedious detail with enthusiasm of a 7 year old dinosaur fanatic. Every topic gets turned into how their master would decide what to do. "I have a higher purpose but I cannot tell you" 
23 Talks about mysterious secrets beyond your reckoning but eventually more blatant about demon gods, hallucinations, hears voices from another dimension. "Your mortal minds cannot comprehend the secrets I have known"
24 Has been seeking elder lore of the old aeons and plays with his magic looking disc that puts them in contact with a horrible planar entity. While with the party he keeps finding strange forgotten relics of the old ones with terrible consequences for using. "I'm just looking for old trinkets, it's a hobby"  
25 Looking for planar portals to report to more powerful superior. Search every arch, wardrobe, well, mirror or painting needs a check. "I love exploring old ruins"
26 Seems interested in history and adventure but really looking for items on a quest from an evil god and dreams led here. "Im just hoping to find some ancient scrolls and nicknacks"
27 Wizard of law wants to blast chaos lots. "Why wouldn't you chase chaos on sight and kill it?"
28 Chaos wizard babbles mysterious stuff like a madman and will lick or taste and pull levers and mashes buttons found in dungeon compulsively "What does that do?"
29 Slowly turning zombie wizard smells worse and attracts more flies, likes necromancy, gets scruffier as curse gets worse, "I don't talk much" 
30 Plans to run a chaos war party, ready for helping a cult start apocalypse, needs new spells, "I crave the lore of wizards old, so I may plunge into the bussom of chaos" 
31 Wants all the cursed items and has a magical sack for holding them. Sells them to gladiator owners to help rig fights and other dirty rotten uses "I know someone who needs this"
32 Will stay with party until they help him subdue a dragon for own use and will travel with you. Plans to polymorph self and charm the dragon. "I will swear to aid you but if we have the chance to catch a dragon you must aid me"
33 Wants to observe monsters mating preferably in the dungeon or will capture monsters and lock them in a box to breed. "All in the name of natural philosophy, yes that's it"
34 Thinks monster babies are adorable and hopes to set up own dungeon to raise the critters in "Look at lil mr gwumpy pants, he wants to fight us"
35 Terrified of germs and slimy icky bugs or vermin, wear big boots, goggles and gloves and apron "That looks Icky I'm not touching that except with eldritch fire"
36 Teases demihumans for lack of propper jobs like human, dwarf isn't a proper job
37 Judges potion poppers as useless cheating addicts who deserve to be robbed, monsters drink potions because all monsters and demihumans came from bad potions especially if pregnant "You don't drink potions do you? what about you know the side effects and addiction"
38 Pretty sure all gods are demons duping stupid people, tells people this unpopular theory "gods, all demons decievers I tell you, clerics are a scam"
39 When law wins all destiny will be revealed and the world will be paved over into the perfectly flat infinite unchanging world in eternal stasis, "It will be great, no more suffering"
40 Talks about doing everything in the name of neutrality. Swears and makes oaths to powers of neutrality. Senses the neutral presence and other such gibberish. Pilfers loot, selfish and greedy too, it's the neutral way. His own clan he treats as human, everybody else is second rate. "The neutrality is strong in this one"
41 Very thorough. Likes to check for secret doors and traps always. Cut open every monster checking for gems. Likes to make maps with lots of detail, very patient. Forgets about wandering monsters in calculations, "The monsters have appointed rounds we should be safe for 40 minutes"
42 Paranoid about traps and ambushes, "don't move I see a trap!" 
43 Surrender in combat if threatened with a weapon. Cowardly and fast at running. Once was grabbed by a monster and shat himself so now needs a new party as old one calls him wizard shitpants and joke about him constantly. He wouldn't mind getting a new party to kill old one, "I've never been in a real adventuring party before!" 
44 Wants to just camp outside dungeon a few days killing everything coming and going, burry some entrances, use siege methods, anything he can dream up to avoid tight spaces, "let's smoke them out by rabbits"
45 Likes to attract monsters with a horn, best to kill all the wandering monsters first thing to make life easier later, "Sooner we fight the better, then its easier just looting the place, trust me!"
46 Hates monsters and wants to kill their helpless elderly and children and burn their villages. Came from frontier and family killed by humanoids. Likes to praise god lots while murdering, "Thank the lord for helping me murder these minions of evil, help me scourge all their kind from this world"
47 Collects monster teeth and fingers and ears to sell rick noble youths to pretend they fought monsters. Knows lots of dodgy monster part dealers. Also knows human corpse dealers and a few necromancers. Always hustling and excitedly butchering monsters, "pineal glands are big this week" 
48 Wants to cook and eat monsters in the most fashionable manner. Only eats the best gourmet food. "I long to roast monster flesh and beat evil then enjoy a victory feast"
49 Believes various monster body parts are aphrodesiacs and kinda sleazy "Hey any chance to score some sweet monster glands Im in". Sells fake magic potions to rubes
50 Hates all humanoids want them all dead. "If you are fighting those damned goblinoids and orcs and kobolds I will slay with you"
51 Experienced adventurer, very friendly and saves spells for worst case events or to kill own party on way home when injured so can rob them. "Aye youll not live to regret employing me"
52 Hopes to build a dungeon one day so looking for ideas about traps and organisation. After a few adventures will elect to remain in dungeon to take it over. "I love dungeons"
53 Tries to torture any captured enamies just in case, really likes torture and wants to collect torture stuff for home torture cell in basement. "I will join your cause! I will cause your foes unbelievable pain and torment" 
54 Attractive charming friendly but a lycanthrope and not aware yet. At sometime will turn into a monster next full moon and kill anyone they can find "I fear no horrors of the dark, they should fear me"
55 Loves to stab and throw daggers and pretty good. Likes to field disect dead for signs of chaos taints and lays out organs methodicly and likes to scrawl chalk graffitti occult signs nearby. Good at first aid and sewing wounds. Wants own flesh golem one day. "Im not just a brilliant wizard, Im great with a dagger, killing monsters is great!"
56 Hairless wizard in leather, keeps muttering about how strange this world is and wants to go back to Xor where everything is made of meat. Collects meat and skin and glands for potions doesnt value gold. "If I can just get the right body parts I can call apon Xor my divine lord of meat to take me home"
57 Strange burned and warty wizard blind in one eye, seves chaos and frequents company of crones and hags. From another dimension and has no respect for anything. "Oh yes I seek the dread lore of secret dark places, many I have yet to see"
58 Likes spells to disguise and change mostly illusions and transformations, likes to steal treasure and run. Cheeky enough to change form and try same suckers again. "Oh yeah I can blow stuff up for money, when do we start, let me change my shirt first"
59 Balding greasy weasely wizard unfortunatley down trodden by his evil imp that tricked master into selling soul when in danger once. Now wizard follows Imp who is always offering adventurers miracles to solve problems with a quick soul contract with hell. Imp is actually pretty helpful with own abilities and master resents Imp is more charismatic. "I really really need this job and my familiar is pretty handy" 
60 Hunch backed googly eyed chubby wizard with goggles, specialises in water and air magic and is surprisingly good at jumping, seeing in the dark and catching flies with toungue. Despite being a toad hybrid he is pretty stoic and useful. Sells frog-weed and fog-grog with other followers and gets them hooked to raise cash for his home swamp frog cult village. "a bit of what you like cant hurt" (wink) 
61 Muscle bound wizard likes to damaticly take shirt off and exercise in camp. Aims to be the strongest wizard in land and likes arm wrestling. He likes spells to effect things at some distance or make self stronger or hard to hurt. Likes to use sling and has long beard and hair. Mocks puny wizards and flexes muscles for gestures of spells. "With a ripped wizard like me with you, there is no room for failure or weakness"  
62 Wears flaming robes and drinks exotic liquers from affar and smokes a hooka (pipe in dungeon). Loves burning the crap out of everything and explosions. "I am the god of hellfire!"
63 Penny pinching greedy skinflint. Haggles for pay quite a bit and tries to charge extra for services or casting spells at times. Tries to hold good treasure "just for now" and knows lots of investment schemes he sells to others in party during rests. Bites coins to test purity and has own abacus for counting. "Inviting me to join you was the best financial decesion you ever made". Will try and siphon extra money to self
64 Keen to join in preperation for the great war coming. Utterly convinced colamity and destruction just on the horison and anything could be a part of the great drama. Keeps finding clues, omens and great plots even in bpwl of tavern porridge. "I seek experience in battle to prepare myself for the apocalypse"
65 Dresses in fine robes and very snooty. Has at least a servant or familiar who lets master walk over them to get through puddles and other degrading acts. Thinks everyone greedy poor crettins, wants adventure to develop powers but loathes murder hobo rif raf. "I am willing to acompany you gentlefolk on any reasonable adventure"  
66 Robed bearded wizard with hood, devoted to cosmic law and hates chaos. Devoted to slaying chaos and aiding athorities and lawful churches. A bit preachy and moralistic hopes to be placed in stsis for eternity in the celestial temple of law. "Let chaos fly when our swords and flame clense them from the earth!"
67 Clumsy old robed wizard, loses things in his beard despite familiars best efforts. Gets tired and sometimes not ready in emergency and hesitates. Means well and is honest. "Oh yes a trip to kill some savage monsters, might be just what I need, I'll just grab my spectacles"
68 Sexy young caster wearing very little silk and lots of shiny jewellery. Heavily perfumed and thinks they are centre of the multiverse and others feelings not a big deal. Wants gems and gold mostly and experience. Likes to dance in spell gestures and covers self in shiny oil. Does tend to attract encounters with jingling of treasure and scent. "Wait till those monster see me!" 
69 Keen young up and coming wizard very pleased to come along. At some point will use the +2 beserker dagger he recently got in a fight and go int a beserker killing frenzy they cannot stop. "Why I would love to come on a quest. I think it is just what my life needs now. I just got this great magic dagger I'm keen to try" 
70 Seafaring wizard likes drinks, bar fights, carousing and seems entertaining. In dungeon likes to smoke, start fights, sing sea shanties to challenge monsters and offers terrible advice. "Id love joi join ye matey! I have lots of experience that is bound to come in handy"
71 Loves to gamble and tries to make a bet on each encounter on outcome or even which of two birds in a tree will fly away first. Cant resist gambling and a blabbermouth. WIll tell everything about party to a criminal enterprise. "I bet youll not regret asking me!"
72 Millitary vetran wizard retired, will come along and share old campagn stories and pretty handy. Will scold anyone for being slack, lazy or not pulling team weight. Former leader finds it hard not to be bossy until learns to respect leader. Confused by democratic parties. "I would like a last great challenge to streatch my skills again, will be like old times in the war"
73 Former adviser to a knight, driven away from failure and wizard sect after them for leaving post. Wants to get away and get money to go a long way away. Is quite wise and practical but poor at field craft and used to servants and asks for help lots. If feels valued and safe might stick around. "When do we leave, Im all done with this place"
74 Cultist looking to be taken somewhere evil by party so he can join the enemy and inform them about party. Might even have some suggested dungeons in area. "The deeper, the darker the more vile the better I say"
75 Cultist scouting for a new home for a cult. Hoping if can help party clear a location can come back with cult to take over. "I yearn to see ruined forgotten and hidden places" 
76 Pious and kind and fair. Will join any worth while quest against evil but at some point will want to gather orphans and children and old and take them somewhere safe."I am comited to styming any threats to peace"
77 Court caster currently exiled hopes to get some adventuring fame to be invited back. 
78 Quit sevice of master over true love and now they died so they seek distraction from misery. Keeps asking pointless questions about love and they dont listen to any advice. Mopes about and interested in vice to forget. "Nothing could be worse than life now I will join you"
79 Merchant who's caravan was robbed and family and employees killed by humanoids and bandits in area seeks revenge. No idea where to start but joining adventureers seems like a good plan for now. If can get party to help will but has lost fortune. "I seek to slay the lawless ones who predate this land who have cost me dearly"
80 Bastard noble enjoys wizardry but family back home now want them home as siblings have all died. Will be stalked by agents and keen to geyt off the beaten track and just focus on wizard stuff like blowing up and plundering monsters. "Sure I will come and together our enemies will tremble"
81 Student wizard fled master who was creepy and although not very experienced figures adventuring is cheapest path to power. Wary of people trying to mis use them or abuse them from past bad experience. Takes time to trust. "I will come and see how you operate"
82 Keen young student seeking extra curricular experience while master on quest. Was replaced by a shape shifting evil creature days ago. "Gee I would love to see inside some lonley dark hole full of monsters"
83 Mysterious atractive woman with reputation for danger and magic. Will consider good offer from party but remains haughty. If they treat her with respect she will continue to work but if treated poorly will consider magical revenge. She might just blast all and escape or something worse and more cunning. She likes charm, sleep, invisibility and polymorph spells
84 Wizard wears full body covering and a mask. Logical, cool, aloof but will be loyal to competant party. Actualy a clockwork golem with a wizards soul implanted into it. He is reluctant to be harmed as heal spells dont work on body but repair skills and spells might
85 Seedy flatulant wizard eats beans, boiled eggs, onions and drinks lots. Smiles and slow to act or respond. Likes stinking cloud best of all. Sleepy and stoned lots. Monsters sometimes smell them from far away. "I have a knack for finding monsters you know"
86 Has a business stripping buildings and dungeons for bricks and other building materials. Wants to help clean out somewhere so crew can come in and gut everything. If gets away with it will continue with party and keeps crew distant and a secret. "Im keen to explore some ruins they interest me greatly"
87 Creepy wizard sells monster children as a racket and will attempt to "rescue" children but kill women and old. "Enemy children will be wailling soon"                                         
88 Former cult leader on the run from law needs a hidout but adventurers or a dundeon might do the job. Efficient and mean spirited in battle will remain at any suitable evil place he can call home. Will end up new dungeon boss. "Why I would be delighted to see some abandoned and hidden real estate"
89 Inquisition wizard in disguise seeking adventurers in area known to blaspheme, not pay tax and not return church relics without expecting a ransome. Joining several parties in area to investigate then will report to inquisition. "Why exploration and adventure that sounds exiting, tell me more!"
90 Works for a gang of bandits led by lover who will follow party and ambush when signalled to indicate party wounded and exhasted. Seem charming and friendly, possibly flirty. "Treasure sounds great I cant wait to nab some"
91 Wizard soul transposed into a zombie by master in an emergency but master then died. Slow, smelly and seeking money or magic to ressurect master a natorious evil wizard. Is desperate and horrorfied by condition. Over a hundred years so far. "I am old and crippled and slow but I fear nothing, thankyou for this chance"
92 Wears black and likes skulls, vegetarian necromancer that fights undead but also uses them. Mostly sweet and has several pets. "Ooh I like spooky places"
93 Gloomy student of moon moth mystery wizards exploring the world naive about all kinds of every day life things but knows of kingdoms in underland and the moon. Misinterperates things sometimes. "Ooh yes I would so much like to see your interesting places"
94 Shapeshifting serpant folk wizard pretending to be noble born forign desert wizard. Seeking evidence of reptilian or draconic ancients they can use or sell back home in the secret sepernt citadel. "Yes certaintly I will serve and seek secret knowledge of the ancients my friends"
95 Wizard school drop out angry and a bit careless in fights. Has a bit of a deathwish but will recover in time especialy if new oportunities to learn magic arise. "Magic lore is all I seek, nothing else matters any more"
96 Run away from master who was abusing them and seeks shelter with any strong enough to protect them. Wizard sends agents then will come in person. "I seek comradeship against the evils of the world" 
97 Tried to cheat hell and they have recruited demon bounty hunters to deliver them to the gates of hell for the infernal lawyers to deal with. Nervous and figity, always looking around because lives in fear of attack. Single demon comes first then they grow in each attack numericly. "Why yes I am glad to seek to travel with your kind"
98 Is secretly a witch cult leader and is on a rampage of revenge. A witch hunter is after them so they want to get cash and out of town fast. Has some unusual spells and skills and a familiar. Interested in finding a new gang of thralls so might just occupy a dungeon. "Im keen to get out of town to open air and freedom" 
99 Illusionist has been using powers to aid smugglers but they got caught and tax exise men are after wizard with a noose now. Flighty and nervous but quite fun. Likes to relax with parties when safe. Likes to change appearance and is disguise expert. "I can decieve your enamies with phantasms and bewitchment"  
100 Has learned how to imprison souls in skins of animals and wants to try some more inteligent creatures but not be called a murederer. So keen to join adventurers and start skinning and casting black magic. Wears a fur coat made live foxes with tiny eyes and sewn up mouths. "If you dont mind me killing some lawless monsters Im willing to join you"

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