Sunday 8 August 2021

d100 Dungeon Inhabitant & Frontier Monster Rumours

Quick Note:
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So monsters have rumours too so you can overhear some or perhaps hear guards chat while murdering them or could be discussed in the court of the dungeon boss or a prisoner might blurt them out. Grammarly detected tone here as sad and disapproving. Obviously, rumours may be based on prejudice and falsehood.

d100 Dungeon Inhabitant Rumours
01 You can't blame all humans for the murder hobos that attack our homes, a few rare humans are good sorts
02 The humans have a strict caste system where to lowest can never rise above their station
03 Humans are such savage creatures who will kill anything for gold
04 I hear humans meet in taverns to get hopped up on grog before coming into our lairs to rob and murder us
05 If humans bred any faster all life would drown in their relentless spawn
06 Humans will never accept our borders or holy places we must unite with other species to stop them before it is too late
07 We had a human child in our family and they grew up to be an ok, so humans are not born all-conquering brutes
08 The adventurers who raid us make poor eating as their organs are wretched from alcoholism, venereal disease and infected wounds. Best burn their dead in case their taint spreads
09 Humans blame us for all kinds of stuff their settlers did first
10 We used to be so much more peaceful and had kinder gods before all the ceaseless wars began between the two legs who speak 
11 Humans will never stop taking all the land until all the other races are gone
12 We should invest this money not hoard it in piles, of course humans will attack us, if we invested in consolidating our power instead of bosses sitting on gold heaps we would be more secure
13 Why do paladins want to kill our children so much? Curse those hypocritical killers
14 Making your friends corpses into living dead is our way of honouring the dead who get to participate in culture while their spirits move on. Humans bury their dead inboxes and dirt or burn them what a waste and lack of respect 
15 Humans hate giant rats, all the humans I saw freaked if rats climbed over them. Don't they know rats smell fear and revulsion? How can they be unkind to rats yet keep horrible cats and dogs
16 Humans say they are peaceful because they farm but they think that land just belongs to them and the wild animals are just pests. Then they want more land when they breed irresponsibly out of control
17 That human holy symbol is really a human death rune showing their dedication to exterminating us and all life they cannot domesticate or enslave
18 When we build great workshops and toil for the industry they say we are warlike and befouling the earth but when humans do the same they call it business
19 They think we are just savages yet we use metal weapons and armour and build with stone just as they do and commit the same sins of war
20 Humans cannot help be horrible and at the same time righteous, they are all born like that and their lack of souls makes them inflexible tools of the gods 
21 I hear the dark lord will return and sweep away all the human scum forever unless they bow to him
22 The dark lord just fails over and over again and our gods are bitter tyrants who let us die, ill swear to neither I just want to survive
23 This current boss seems pretty sure they can provoke the humans into war and then allies will come to support us
24 I can't wait till we put in some more ramps so the elderly can attend the shrines better, my grandma will be so pleased
25 Humans come in four main races, fighters, priests, thieves and wizards. There are no exemptions and these creatures and all pretty much the same
26 Humans can only bear to treat the races most like themselves as equal, they will always look at us as misshapen mockeries of them fit only for killing and robbing
27 That orc hero with the human blood is such a capable killer, to think his human kin mistreated and outcaste him the fools
28 We trade with all kinds of people, many looking nothing like us and live in strange places but humans assume any creature not like them is just an enemy
29 Humans are all inbred and are cousins and that is why they are all so deranged and look the same
30 Did you dear Owly the owlbear was killed by some humans. Rotters, I ought to go into their dumb village and strangle and poison all their freakish pets
31 There are a lot of wandering undead around at the moment but im sure the priests will gently coach them to their proper places unharmed
32 When I was a human captive they fed me ghastly stuff fit for cattle. I can never look at human food again, where is the taste of well-aged food properly preserved?
33 Humans say any who casts a spell on another is a criminal a witch but when they cast spells to us they are heroes
34 Just look at the human gods, do you think their fanatic killer cults would tolerate beings like us to live at peace
35 Our human slaves have a chance to join us after years of service if they survive initiations but humans make our war captives toil in lethal work in saltmines, dyers, sewers and muck pits and only last a few years. They treat all of our prisoners as soldiers and rarely take even our children in their households. Human slavery is the worst by far 
36 Not all humans are awful. We have more in common with many of their own kind who their mad kingdoms cannot control. Barbarians and nomads and wild people all have more in common with us than against us. Human berserks sometimes join our cause, sent by barbarian kings to aid our border fights with the kingdoms
37 So the boss has been sending this doppelganger to the human borderlands and spreading rumours about our piles of treasure and lame old warriors. Posters, poems, hanging around in taverns. It has been a good plan as all the adventurers we killed have made us wealth we never had and now we have new weapons
38 Yes all the borderlands once had strong tribes and non-human kingdoms all gone. Even where human heartland is there were once people like us
39 It is so funny that humans think the surface is so great when there are so many more of us in the deep and their occupation of the surface is but a fleeting gale that will die out and the underland will go on
40 Humans think their oldest biggest cities are marvels but they never saw the cities in the deep and the vast ruins in huge chasms that would make them feel like fools
41 Human blood is sweet with an iron flavour, their flesh is soft and delicious like suckling boar. I had some once but it was just a stupid thing we did when we were young and angry about the massacres and we did it just to scare the humans more  
42 Humans hate giant bugs and frogs and lizards and so many useful animals preferring the meek beasts they have domesticated
43 I cooked by finest lobster and walnut stew with batsmilk and my human guests looked like I was trying to poison them. Milk is milk, right? And they thought the lobster was a hideous water bug!
44 You know the humans have all kinds of myths about us and our origins, all awful and bent to paint us as evil worthy only of destruction. I wish I could kill all the intolerant humans once and for all
45 Bloody elves, worse than humans but at least they are rare now and no better than to think us their slaves or breeding projects for their sport
46 Dwarves say they invented metal use and black powder but we did it on our own and never boasted of it we just wielded it
47 Halflings look sweet and plump and useless human children but they have many uses and don't invite war with us. But I guess those of us duped to serve human wizards probably tainted us in their eyes
48 Humans without beards are women unless they are short they are the children
49 We had to let those human bandits in our area, they were freedom fighters against human tyranny. So we help them and they train us in human ways of war and how to rob caravans. Its a great deal
50 Yeah the boss and the local human thieves guild meet every few months for years now
51 The boss has hired a few human assassins, think of that predilection for murdering enemies in their homes, finally human talents used for a worthy scheme
52 So this one merchant buys our stolen loot and informs us of rival caravans all the while leaving them alone
53 Well these foreign humans are at war with our local humans so they just gave us a bunch of gold and magic to get our support and help us push the human border back. Its a sweet deal
54 You shoulda have seen how those convicts we freed turned to murder their guards with some help from us. All those jolly roughnecks are now our comrades and are doing well as bandits
55 This one human got really mad when I burned his house down, it was incredible. We lost a dozen villagers and this guy acts surprised. I was going to kill him but sometimes you need to let people live to suffer and spread fear among their kind
56 I used to be a pig herder with a farmhouse and family but now that land is owned by a human farmer and I am a warrior. I hope my the land is returned to us soon and my children don't have to go hungry
57 So we had this great feast of walnuts, olives, eggfruit, prunes, quail eggs and mushrooms and the human bandit leader guest looked funny but after said it was the best he had had in years
58 Have you tried human beer? It is so week I didn't throw up or have diarrhoea or anything
59 The human aristocrats are a separate breed, more inbred, weaker and can only dine on dainty morsels and purest drinks. These weaklings cant last much longer, surely the common sort should rise up and eat them?
60 Humans have so much wealth they all have gold chamber pots and silver ear spoons
61 Have you tried the human pipeweed, its totally for babies. My new baby just got his first pipe and im weening him with humanweed now
62 So these humans who caught me thought I was totally stupid and while captive I learned all kinds of filthy human plans against us. Then I broke out and the boss gave me a roast chicken and some beer
63 The different colour humans all taste the same I don't get why they treat each other so bad, they probably can't help it
64 We have these new monster spawning pits and wow we have been getting lots of the buggers roam free near humans
65 We tried to treat the human prisoner's wounds with a burning log but none survived. Our shaman says he tried some simple trepaning on a human and they died too. Their gods made them very vulnerable and fearful of harm
66 So you know the gate guard, he has been sneaking to the human village and molesting their farm animals. He came back with a dog bite and a pitchfork would the idiot
67 I used to sneak into human villages and listen to them. They just go on and on in their stupid slow meandering language about worthless garbage. I could barely stay awake
68 So we were killing these humans in the woods in funny dresses with hoods and it turns out they were demon worshipers. Not just any demon one of the worst ones everyone abandoned aeons ago. What a bunch of suckers if humans worship demons like that. They only had silly looking knives to defend themselves even
69 I sold my soul years ago to heal my dad's sick leg. It was worth it for a few extra years and at least I know my fate is to serve with the legions of hell for eternity so its a good deal
70 Humans were created by an orc wizard experimenting with corpses and we all curse that nameless idiot
71 The boss says there will be a big feast with all kinds of allies and guests to make plans
72 A wizard turned me into a bird and before the shaman saved me I spied on the human keep and saw all kinds of good stuff. The boss gave me nice stinky green ham as a reward
73 My mother says I should eat more fermented meat but I never got the taste, they called me Mantoungue because I like human food. My whole clan would laugh at me
74 Every few festival years I sneak into the village and steal pies and sausages, I cant wait for the next one
75 So you see there are several other dungeon complex allies and our boss says together we push that human borderland back up their arses
76 Humans are just a diminutive form of degenerate weakling giant runts 
77 Yeah we have to work with some real monsters but we have been pushed too far now by humans and the fair play ended before we were born 
78 Humans are flatulence when they feel fear
79 Humans have their tails removed in a ceremony at birth
80 Sure the boss is terrible but its better to live with a tyrant of your own than foriegn despot pretending to save you
81 When I last saw an Imp he assured me hell was overflowing with humans
82 Think what we would do with human resources
83 Humans used to have tails and horns from breeding with demons
84 Humans dislike foul odours so use them to stink up your lair and hide your money in shit heaps
85 Humans are riddled with parasites and diseases so beware of their corpses
86 The only good human is an undead human under control of your priest
87 My priest says If I bring him some human skins he will anoint me as his apprentice
88 That cultist preaching for his blood god seems alright for a human. I might take up his offer of a few beers to hear about his teachings
89 Humans persecute us because they fear us. They think we will unite and destroy them when really most of us just want land and to be left alone
90 My grandpa said when humans found gold and silver there was no way humans would leave our lands alone
91 I hear there are tunnels under that human village from the old days humans dont know about
92 The boss wants to connect our dungeon to the one over the hills making us both more powerful
93 Yeah, that guard used to be human but they got it fixed by a wizard and now they are one of us. I hope more humans can do this and be wild and free like us, the poor creatures
94 Humans hate us because they envy us and our superior vigor and freedoms
95 Ha humans don't know how many spirits and beings sneak among them in disguise. If you look human and can act human that's all it takes to fit in
96 I had a human slave and taught him many tricks, he almost seemed to have feelings and thoughts beyond their conquering and stealing gold, it was sad when i found he died in his kennel
97 How do humans bear to look at each other, warped by their blank featureless faces they think us hideous 
98 My brother said he fancied humans, what a weirdo creep. Have you seen their ridiculous genitalia?
99 Humans have a strange faith in their monarchs and think they have the ear of the gods and are right in all matters
100 If you tell humans you are a half breed they might spare you as a slave and let you in their villages and cities. They will still hate and pity you but you can exploit this to survive or spy on them or just make some money


  1. Andrzej Sapkowski's Witcher novels certainly come from this angle - the elves are dying out as humans overrun their lands and deforest their homes. Groups of elves and dwarves band together into resistance cells to destroy human settlements and lives out of fear and desperation. Those urban non-humans still living in cities are pushed into ghettos and treated like scum. The novels frequently use the trope that humans are the biggest monsters of all.

    1. yes - using as post colonial metaphors is better than reinforcing 19th C race taxonomy most of world still in love with


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