Thursday 11 July 2019

d100 Gonzo Dungeon Decor

Unicorn powers activate!
Putting everything in storage and living on sofas for a while again sigh.

d100 Gonzo Dungeon Decor

01 Blinking led lights all over walls with no function, puzzle or point
02 Niches full of giggling drunk and high kobolds who laugh at intruders
03 Open floor panel to monster dressing area where wounded monsters healed and costumes and make up changes for different rolls in the dungeon
04 Dungeon bar where monsters hanging out drinking and ignoring adventurers
05 Punchcard machine where monsters clock on and off, a few monsters watching clock to start shift peacefully until they punch cards and start screaming and waving weapons
06 Luxurious dungeon latrine cleaned by tame gelatinous cube herded by kobold bathroom attendants with bow ties who expect tips and offer hot towels and cologne
07 Bundles of sparking electrical cables through roof 
08 Stone altar with grid of coloured crystals and stone archway in wall. Arranging the crystals opens the arch gateway to strange worlds, often odd creatures come through
09 Posters of the adventurers, wanted as murderers by monsters printed with hand coloured woodblock prints, freshly pasted. Future encounters in dungeon recognise party in horror  
10 Frozen gelatinous cube with remains of crate and straw freshly opened with order note for dungeon supplies signed by a local sub level boss
11 Urinating cherub fountain constantly changes colour, different random effect each user, only work once a day if you drink straight from the stream, any collected turns into urine
12 Storage rack with candles, torches and flints. Once a turn a spirit takes something to replace and light in the dungeon that has gone out 
13 Glass vat 3 yards tall with a wooden seat and ladder on top. The tank is full of sewerage and a tentacled telepathic sewerage monster eagerly awaits fresh night soil to wallow in. It is quite friendly, will asses your recent meals and will discuss other recent monster visits
14 Magic slot machine 1gp a turn. Roll 3d10 on 3x zero gain a gain a magic item and never works for you again, 2x zero gain d100gp, 1x zero gain d100sp. Any other result lose 2d4 HP
15 Theatre props in chests including harmless weapons that look real, armour that offers no defence and is ruined one hit, paste jewellery, robes of nobles that look good but feel fake and are uncomfortable plus several scripts involving tragic murders
16 Magical 3 yard long bronze horn weighs 200lb hanging by chains from roof with steps leading to mouthpiece. Drooling mad goblin says it can summon a god once a month who will grant wishes. Actually are random petty forgotten gods who are mostly cranky about being summoned and most users regret blowing it
17 Painting of a noble feast if entered can join in and eat. Inhabitants are in a 4 hour time loop but live forever. When you leave effects of food and booze instantly wear off. Cannot get a full night rest inside 
18 Infinite staircase goes up or down but as soon as you turn back only 10 foot to start
19 Dungeon beauty contest in progress with cheerful monsters drinking and non threatening. Possibly ask strangers to enter or be a judge but could lead to a riot
20 Goblin selling obscene art decorated pots, naughty art prints, clay tankards with articulated breasts on relief art of nude lady orcs and nude figurines "fertility idols"   
21 Hobgoblin barber shop charges 1cp for haircut or shave, will discus recent dungeon politics and hauntings, will surrender if threatened, possibly a d4 orcs waiting and looking at books about orc ladies, fishing and chariots
22 Old goblin woman with cots of sleeping monster babies, has adoption papers with oaths to sign, explains parents killed by adventurers, accepts donations  
23 Mirror with pocket nightmare dimension, each who enters is attacked by a shadow resembling self, when all killed a demon appears with a chest of lead coins. If taken out of mirror coins turn to gold 
24 Strange luminous mist fills room, causes everyone to lose sense of direction for a turn
25 Kobolds playing volleyball with a fishing net and a explosive floating gas spore resembling a horrible eye monster, invite you to play but only they know secret techniques to handle without explosions
26 Statue of warrior standing on guard with moving bloodshot eyes, looks desperate but cant communicate much, adventurer cursed by petty god, could be saved with stone to flesh
27 Mother dire wolf on pile of straw suckling two orc babies, will snarl but wont attack unless you get within 10 foot
28 Cage full of d6 village idiots kept here waiting for ransoms of turnips and bales of hay and bread, kobold guard happy to accept anything better as idiots eat alot and are lots of trouble and annoying
29 Ogre grinding bones with boulders to make bread in large oven according to family recipe, instructs guests to leave bones in basket and only has d4 loaves for sale 1sp each
30 Goblins in a vat squishing mushrooms with feet to extract juice to make a popular goblin drink. Tastes of shrooms and goblin feet, save or hallucinate for a d4 hours, start small and eventually users have shared fantastic dream and when over awake sweating. 1sp a cup or a bottle for a gp
31 Goblins making bricks with mould from monster faeces and straw, ignore intruders as very busy with a big quota this month
32 Goblin pimp with big furry hat and coat offers you all employment for 50% of your take and will defend you with his switchblade if any customers break contracts
33 Monsters on strike, leader explains won't fight unless paid better by bosses and happy to sell out the dungeon for better conditions and pay
34 Thief trapped in a bronze scorpion idol that snared him when trying to pry out gem eyes, lock in each pincer can be picked to free each arm. If attempt fails pincer snips off hand and tail stings the lock picker for d8 damage plus venom (save or die). Mechanism must be smashed or removing eyes results in setting off pincer trap, tail or bite
35 Creepy doll made of human skin and yeti fur looks valuable and size of child, actually an assassin golem from the black lotus empire. Will try and murder sleeping victims as thief with retractable huge fan
36 Kobold kids building go karts from old boxes and barrels hoping to have a rally when finished
37 Beating heart in a jar guarded by living statues, left by immortal wizard who will die if heart killed
38 Tiny boxing ring with cigar smoking bowler hat wearing kobolds here to see the champ take on challengers. Will offer bets in silver coins. Champ is a high level monk reincarnated
39 Walls are pulsating flesh and some humanoids are harvesting steaks of flesh and filling buckets with blood or dinner
40 Kobold jester offers coins if you listen to his terrible comedy routine involving jokes offensive to humans (how many humans does it take to light a torch? A cleric a wizard and thief go into a bar...)
41 Kenku charlatan offering potions to aid love making and virility, repeats slogans and criticises  adventurers manhood
42 Goblins passed out with pipes and ash on floor except old shaman selling dried smoking fungus and promises divine visions and insight, can see magic for a turn, save or addictive and induces d4 hours of slumber, 1% chance user summons a imp to torment you for life, only 1gp a hit
43 Stone statue of a medusa or basilisk in front of a mirror
44 Art gallery with portraits of local monster bosses or vampires by some poor kidnapped artists
45 Icetoad in a box apparatus used to make ice cream with a crank handle and bags of salt using goats milk and berries. Kobolds here selling 1cp a cone
46 Floor of room with coloured tiles that radiate magic trap. There is no pattern or sequence, 1in6 chance per step you get a magic missile but pattern implies there is a solution. Reality locals avoid or know a password
47 Human trapped in a gibbet moaning, has toungue cut out and badly beaten. Any one getting underneath activates a pit trap. Moving the cage releases poison gas, the lock has a poison needle. Just here to to mess with adventurers
48 Ten foot pit with feather mattress in the bottom with gold coins. Mattress and coins are a mimic occupying a old sprung trap
49 Goblins making hats by boiling them in mercury, all crazy brain damaged idiots, fumes in room unpleasant
50 Goblins scrubbing floors with fermented urine in buckets, they have no fear as life cannot get worse
51 Room with three numbered doors and goblin with a big floppy hat offers you one door try each. Doors change each new user d3 1=save of hit by 4d8 blast of flame 2=medusa in chains 3=healing potion
52 Goblin jester offers party pick one of four chests d4 1=d1000cp 2=d1000sp 3=d100gp 4= mimic 
53 Imp offers to release one of three cages with a woman inside only one is real, feel free to ask questions but prisoners don't know about other cages d3 1=wearing a hooded robe is a medusa 2=succubi pretending to be a innocent 3=swearing woman thief demands to be released from this oppressive patronising cliche
54 Goblins smashing and burning marble statues of frightened adventurers to make lime for brick mortar, 2d6 unbroken statues could be restored with stone to flesh magic
55 Goblin wizard Lv1 with stone to flesh wand making dungeon rubble into piles of meat for buddies having a cook up, d6 charges left
56 Humanoids having a dance battle team contest with a 100gp prize, tough colourful gangs all snear at intruding adventurers chances and lame moves, goblin bards provide music with orc MC. Bookie gives you lower odds than the necromancer and his dancing zombies
57 Kobolds throwing garbage and stuff into a pit with a gate at the bottom that opens into a huge multi planar garbage mound used by dozens of dimensions, locals unimpressed
58 Fissure releasing pleasant steam into room, old goblin woman will rent towels, sell beer or cold water or thrash you with birch saplings if that is your taste 
59 Goblin wizard offer injections of troll blood to make you into regenerating super humans
60 Pit with gold coins and a shiny helmet with a permanent light spell on it in bottom. A troll with an invisibility spell waits patiently, a wizard recasts spell every few days
61 Strange lever if touched hand becomes glued to it with a failed save, if stuck must be pulled off leaving skin but causes d6 damage and -2 all rolls for a d4 days with that hand
62 Tired old goblin woman with six ogre babies in nappies wiping faeces on walls, biting and pinching each other. On sucking on a semiprecious stone worth 40gp but it wont give it up. Goblin will sell you babies then flee dungeon forever
63 Three witches with cauldron offer each of you one choice of three identical magic potions d3 1=poison save or die 2=potion of healng 3=save or cursed with hideous witch face. Will cackle and vanish in a stinking cloud if threatened64 Kobolds with bound troll selling cuts of cooked troll streak. Troll screams and swears constantly. A few other humanoids here eating peacefully
65 Goblins guarding "humans" in a cage will flee on sight of adventurers. The grateful doppelgangers offer to aid and join you and await a good opportunity to eat rescuers 
66 Cluster of modified shrieker fungi shaped like melted brass wind instruments, if startled will play music causing kobolds in uniform to roll out a red carpet to next doorway and offer welcomes
67 Kobold selling werewolf milk "makes you strong and feisty"
68 Zombie farm animals in pens including goats, pig, sheep and a pony with a dark elf child dressed as a farmer who made all this for fun. If angered or attacked the animals attack
69 Black hat gnomes with a owlbear in a cage plumbed into a box milking it for bile for use in alchemy. They are rude and grumpy bullies. If released owlbear will go berserk and kill them
70 Goblin with large wiggling crates with slots, for a fee you can stab the monster inside and increase your prowess risk free. Sell creature heads mounted on plagues or skins as trophies to impress your friends. Goblin promises what happens in dungeon stays in the dungeon
71 Lady gnoll sitting at a booth gnawing on a leg with sign "ethical advice - 1sp" she will tell you it is totally ok to do any horrible act or deed unless it involves harming or robbing her
72 Magic mirror if looked in reveals what you will look like when reincarnated in hell d4 1=lowly human headed larvae writhing in a pit farmed by devils 2=imp fighting with other imps for favour more powerful devils 3=your face on a hellgoat butt vomiting up excrement 4=lowly lesser devil tending a larvae pit
73 Goblin with huge crate offer to sell you a giant battle crab with a llist of commands and runs if given money. Giant crab if released goes on beserk killing frenzy
74 Robed devil cultists with idols of lords of hell offering great deals on souls offering wish like rewards turned terrible by hello lawyers, just sign in blood
75 Clan of albino cave folk offer monster ivory and meat to buy a party member for marriage to save them from inbreeding and extinction 
76 Mirror if looked at forms image of a face, the spirit of the dungeon. It will answer a question per person per day but will mostly lie and offer terrible advice. Will offer you your own lair if you promise to stay and serve the dungeon ecology
77 Sad old pathetic man monsters allow to live out of sadism. Was a paladin who killed some orc babies and has been excommunicated and cursed to never leave. Bitter, swears and complains about young adventurers and their elaborate backgrounds and caring about monster rights
78 Kobold selling potions of gender change, berserker blades and hats of reverse alignment at low low prices
79 Goblin erotic dancers will put on a show for 1sp on tiny stage with poles and mirrors and costumes, 1cp a beer, no touching the goblins permitted by bugbear bouncer
80 Classroom with child humanoids with a old vulture folk school teacher teaching them evil runes, ruination and rioting skills. Charts depict humans as horrible killing machines. Teacher will ask if adventurers will answer adorable children's questions "why do you hate us?" "why did you steal our land?" "why cant you get honest jobs?" "why did you kill my parents?"  
81 Wizard pointing to blueprints of dungeon on table as it should be to kobolds with miners hats shrugging. Wizard offers party jobs as foremen or site managers or safety inspectors
82  Kobolds unpacking crates labelled "armageddon device" and assembling a huge apparatus according to instruction manual. They are feuding over lost parts, interpreting the manual and where will they get the 100 unsullied virgin souls to start it up
83 Surly teenage goblins drinking beer, smoking, flexing muscles and holding knives "wanna know what you are looking at"
84 Elderly goblin woman in room with stone benches offers genuine trained giant snail massages 1cp. A pen of voracious hungry flail snails is close but she knows how to calm them before use but if threatened she lets them loose
85 Party of adventurers arguing over a bound black clad knight. Half the party say it is ok to torture and kill the anti-paladin but other half argue the prisoner is a legitimate knight of the realm and deserves fair treatment and to be held hostage or a fair trial
86 Goblins with bound wizard and a sign "1cp a punch or 1gp for a stab" have several healing potions and a box with a d1000cp and a d20gp. Wizard wants to go home badly. Goblins will swap wizard for a bound troll
87 Tiny village of gremlins and their pet rats swarm, will mobilise against "giants" and sound their kaiju alert bells. Women and children flee into shelters while army mobilise with light crossbows on wheels six can operate
88 Moaning man with bag on head, gagged and chained to pillar, is a flesh golem insane with hatred for any living born creatures somehow left here years ago. If gagged will say anything to be released then go on killing spree
89 Room with lave river through middle and a balancing beam to cross. Kobolds are roasting sausages on sticks over the heat and will flee if threatened
90 Iron turret in ceiling allowing 6 kobolds to shoot below through slots and are very hard to hit. Has a locked door and they use a rope ladder to get in or out
91 Old kobold with bloated belly and beard laying on ground. Will shake his walking stick and swear at travellers provoking them to kill him. On death explodes for 2d4 damage to all in 20 foot radius save or infected with parasitic worms and lose a move point a day until you end up like him or a cure disease spell lets you vomit and shit them out
92 A cleric has set up a clinic to heal monsters and preaches to them about turning good and the wonders of their kind forgiving deity. Will reluctantly treat "murder hobos" if they have a good reason for being here
93 A party of dead adventurers laying about, leap to their feet now hungry ghouls, utter abuse and vile threats while attacking, some will stop to search intestines for gems or loot bodies if they kill someone rather than the best tactical decisions. Once a well known murder hobo party
94 Two orc priests having a argument look pleased to see adventurers who might aid their debate. One sez everyone should look after their own kind and and humans will never tolerate orcs in their cities and schools and markets. Other sez humans are just ignorant intolerant bigots who will eventually come around and eventually even marry orcs and let them have good jobs
95 Angel pleased to see adventurers. Killed some humanoids but found their babies and needs party to take care of them so she can return to heaven to complete her mission. Makes you swear to do the right thing and promises when she gets free chance will pop in to visit and reward you
96 Portcullis gates seal the room with party inside. Wizard steps out and offers them deed of ownership of the dungeon for cash and magic or new spells. If you have nothing leaves and laughs while ringing a bell to signal creatures to a feast
97 Gang of evil halfling thieves in black hoods. Pleased to see visitors and offer poisoned beer while surrounding party for a stab happy fun time
98 Two old kobolds debating if dungeon maps should be in blue or have lots of cross hatching, each has a d4 old dungeon maps and direction to find them   
99 Fancy gilded crypt of a bard. Spirit insists it will reward you with 100gp for a good song performance but if bad mummy arises to attack with a d6x100gp coins spilling out. Offer spectral music to accompany the singers. Anyone doing opera or performing froghop and not a frog folk immediately angers the bard spirit. Has a magic harp also in crypt.
100 A goblin market selling all kinds of strange items and mushroom products with visiting humanoids and demihumans

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