Monday 27 June 2022

d100 Absolutely True About All Murder Hobos Forever

A nice depiction of Nergal from way after bronze age - region mix of roman, mesopotaimian and other culture. The dog is fascinating - is it three dogs or Cerebus?.

If your character hears these in a tavern it's a sign of disrespect best start stabbing them just in case.

Thanks to my FB group input - Dallas, Fergus, Luke & James

The murderhobo book 112pages on my Patreon now
will be some small revisions as ppl point out my mistakes

d100 Absolutely True About All Murder Hobos Forever
01 Murder hobos have dungeon parasites in their brains that turn them into stab-happy serial killers that need to be put down like a mad dog
02 Murder hobos I hear eat baby orcs and goblins just to save money on propper food
03 I heard a murder hobo in another village just stabbed a shopkeeper for not respecting him 
04 I heard of a king who rounded up all of the dungeon adventurers to a fake party and murdered them when drunk because they just stirred up troubles on the frontier
05 Adventurers hate paying taxes, yet use our roads and temples and stores
06 I tried to pay these young adventurers to scare off some goblins but they were the worse sort and they wiped out a whole village of them which was a bit much. Now the goblins are madder than ever!
07 Murder hobos are always drunk on rotgut which drives them insane and makes them foam at the mouth, have bad breath and red eyes
08 If an imp can touch a baby they will grow up to be a murder hobo in the service of hell
09 All murder hobos come to serve devils and demons which lead them to their murder sprees
10 I heard of adventurers who went to the ruined castle and only one came back and became a vampire
11 Old loner adventurers often may be werewolves or other shapeshifters
12 Sometimes when they are in the deep exterminating strange peoples they run out of food and eat their followers
13 When I told them the quest involved talking and investigation that said if there was nobody to kill in a hole in the ground they were not interested
14 I was on this ship to exotic islands but I didn't realise I was on a ship of the worst adventurers who killed and captured natives and stole their treasure. On the way home all that cursed treasure sunk us and only I escaped
15 They said we were explorers but then they started killing the mink people for their furs and golden idols. There are no more mink folk there now
16 I was told that I could make in one dungeon run carrying a pole for a bunch of old mercenaries than I could ever make as a butchers boy. It was awful and when we saw the light I deserted them and none of my friends carrying their baggage and lanterns were ever seen again
17 I was recruited by adventurers and on my way to a dungeon but then I overheard them call us meat shields and how we provided extra targets for the monsters and I ran away
18 Well old murder hobos are so bad because that's the sort of adventures people did back then and now we are in more civilised age. Modern adventurers just like to look cool and have pets and all wanna be bards and talk talk talk. All the old dungeons were looted and adventurers had to take on more ludicrous episodic adventures 
19 Then these guys we paid to save our village found out the lizard people could have been our allies versus the fish people and so we ended up with two monster species hating us and the adventurers just went to "help" some other town
20 Dungeon looters carry vile parasites from dungeon monsters don't let them on your land or near your  livestock with them bathing and burning their clothes and a man of learning examine their stools for dungeon threadworms
21 We had this adventurer survive some adventure and went to sleep but he brought on his boots baby slime creatures from an evil swamp and the creatures were a local menace. Then we had to get adventurers to get rid of the monsters. Its a racket I tell you. They want more work for their future
22 Now the kingdom has law and order and no rampaging unhappy barbarians or humanoids left alive in the kingdom do we really need drunken old monster hunters 
23 You talk to all the drunks in villages for miles, most of them are ex-adventurers, who cant handle work and have nightmares about their friends all being killed. They can barely deal with ordinary people 
24 The smart ones get some fame and get a job or marry some posh aristocrat for land. The old ones go crazy and are barely better than what they kill
25 I heard a village paid some wandering mercenaries to deter monsters but they just drank and ate up a huge bill and ran away when monsters came
26 These old murder hobos came and tried to sell us kobolds in a sack. They had no idea how nobody does stuff like that anymore
27 So these dwarf adventurers came to use the tavern and saw our goblin gardener working and they just killed him and stole his wedding ring. It was very sad but we have a new one now
28 My son for his birthday wanted to meet real dungeon adventurers and my brother found these reprobates in a tavern and my son now wants to be a priest. It's okay he means the rich kind of priest.
29 Mad old Elmo is a hopeless old drunken murderer who always bullies young adventurers to join them. Then he "saves" them all and takes most of the treasure. He even starts the fights and toys with them into conflict and deathtraps for a laugh. Eventually, they run away and leave him in the village again for the next adventurers. Nobody will sing songs about him
30 I heard these adventurers built an old shack to get drunk in and on the first-night kobolds, goblins and orcs all surrounded them and burned the house down and killed them all. Monsters are just like other folk and will even unite to get revenge
31 That was no lady, she was an adventurer and stabbed at least six men who tried to talk to her in the bar. Then the sheriff came and she killed him and the bailiffs and took their ears and some booze and she left
32 These old murderous adventurers came to our tavern and showed us all their orc ears they had collected. We chased them all out. Quite a few people in these parts get along with orcs nowadays and don't want maniacs bringing back old troubles
33 So these adventurers it turns out only go on quests just to kill and rob everyone and didn't get the nuance of a subtle rescue the king desired. They slaughtered everybody in the castle of the rival noble and started a war. They carried the princess away demanding his crown and treasury to get her back
34 So these adventurers started coming to the village to camp and several parties were operating then more came like a gold rush. The village was destroyed. Eggs became a gp each and locals couldn't afford to live there. Drunken lecherous adventurers with strange diseases were everywhere. Copper became worthless. Don't let the rot ruin your town
35 That dragon kept away the aristocracy from our valley for generations and finally, these adventurers came and killed it and we didn't get a coin for the generations of its lordship over us
36 Turns out this adventurer had kept a troll hand to make into a hat or something and that night a newly grown troll in the tavern killed six people and then ran away. Took us months to get it out of the swamp
37 So they recovered this relic of our town and then changed their mind and sold it in the city because they couldn't be bothered coming back here and didn't like our wine list
38 So these adventurers kept bringing back dead monsters with them for the poor cook who had to cook things he wasn't sure if they should be. Well they all died on the toilet that last night riddled with worm
39 So they took the artefact off the wizard and instead of taking it to the temple like they promised they started playing with the monster-making artefact and now they are the new dungeon bosses. What part of "don't use the artefact it is not worth the risk" do they not understand
40 When we had orcs nearby and wars with them having a bunch of easily pleased murderous simpletons we could point in the right direction and reward with beer had uses. Now, everybody, has children and monsters don't come this way they are just a sign of the bad old days and they smell like it too
41 So this evil wizard kept escaping the party for years and we had to keep these freaks in our village. After years of this somehow they teamed up and all just walked away after fighting some other evil. Was all those years of troubles for nothing? Was it just a grift all along?
42 So we explained the nuns were charmed and not to be hurt but one of them had a cursed sword and went berserk. They did kill the wizard and saved most of the nuns but many were injured and required time to recover the wounds of their bodies. As for their nightmares, we cannot say
43 So the adventurers went into the magic mirror and when they came out it was broken and they said some bull story about it being a prison for a demon
44 We looked for the sort of optimistic heroes to help us but made do with a collection of angry old drunks. At least lots of them died and got no pay and had no widows or legal heirs. They did kill everyone like they said they would and most moved away after. Some of the bandit's families claimed adventurers were cruel and unusual and went beyond the law 
45 So they were questioning us about funny people in robes at night that people might have seen and the magistrate sent two beadles to take the adventurers in for a talk. They killed the beadles and attacked people all over town convinced cultists were everywhere. It was just a common sleepy run-down fishing village, nothing suspicious at all
46 So this priest comes to see who is disturbing the dead and instead of a proper priest we got an adventurer and his drunken buddies. So the dead were walking and unhappy about someone disturbing them and threatening their legacy and the adventurers just burned them all to ash and left a mess. They even took the grave goods "to cover costs". We never found out who the necromancer among us was
47 So these adventurers come in with a prisoner and say they used magic to extract treasonous thoughts from him and demanded the law use this evidence to try and execute him. The magistrate declared he would use his own methods and things got ugly. The adventurers killed half the court staff and burned down several buildings as they fled. They even told officials in the next town we were all witches who needed exterminating 
48 So the old fisherman refused to rent his boat to the strangers who turned out to be adventurers and they bewitched him with malicious sorcery that made them seem like good friends who took his boat. Eventually, he came to town when the hex expired and told the story to the authorities
49 The smells adventurers bring from dungeons make cow udders dry up and stop hens laying and make sheep's wool go bad
50 Just find one of those old drunks, they all used to be murder hobos and have hidden treasure. If we could make one tell us we could be rich
51 After years in the dungeon battling chaos it takes a toll on the mind and body. Mot only are these old warriors insane and volatile but they have mutations and terrible diseases
52 So this wizard the lord hired wasn't a proper one with a hat and a tower and a toad, no he was some adventurer edge lord and he used all his fireballs in the first battle and killed some of our side so we knifed him and dumped him in a ditch
53 So they killed a troll and this guy wanted to search its guts and butcher it. Then we killed some goblins and he did the same. Who wants to eat goblins or use their skin? We left that maniac behind the first chance we got
54 We were in this dungeon and we got trapped and this guy started talking about canibalism just in case. He said he was a mystical monk but turned out he was just a weird sadist in it for the blood 
55 So we were on the borderlands on patrol and these mercenaries kept tallying scores based on what they killed. After every fight they would search everything and when we got home and wanted a meal all they wanted to do was count all the money and recorded these scores on scrolls they carried. Some argued over monsters or gold or both counted to scores. I think it was some cult but apparently all mureder hobos do this
56 One day I'm going to be a tavern wench! The waitlist for jobs at the local tavern is three years long but I heard an adventurer flipped Jenny a gold coin in her first week and she hasn't had to work since for a year! (thanks Dallas)
57 Poor girl slept with a adventurer bard and thought they would get married but he just lied every village and left a trail of offspring. So when he died in a dungeon by the time he was raised a massive lawsuit against his estate had taken everything from him and he was a laughing stock
58 So it turns out those famous rich wizards who got rich in the dungeon goldrush now all want people to pay them everytime they they use one of their trademarked "Name" spells. So now there are bootleg scrolls with silly names or similar sounding ones. A few are defective and dangerous. Anyway cast those famous spells and they will know and slap you with a invoice
59 I saw this old adventurer begging on the street and told him no because he would spend it all on booze and drugs and then he showed me his stab wounds and filthy bandages and I gave him a copper
60 There's always a dagger hidden somewhere on their person, in boots, cloaks, pants, beards, hair, hats even in gross places like ears, old wounds and bum holes (thanks Luke)

61 There is nothing a murder hobo hates more than imprisonment. They will fight to the death rather than be captured and pronounce it like its a personality trait.  
62 Old murder hobos best be wary of them laying drunk in the street, they always carry a knife and will even sleep stab passers by. Life in a dungeon is like hard time in the worst prison, the more time you live like that the less normal you will ever be. The lucky ones quit early and take a few years to get over it. They never relax and always have weapons nearby expecting someone wanting revenge on them at any moment
63 So there was this boat and it had these adventurers carrying a princess across a lake and as the adventurers just met, the older ones wanted to charge the king a reward fee. The younger ones complained and their was a scuffle and the younger idealistic ones were stabbed and thrown in the frozen river. They charged the king a fortune then said that was just a keep her alive fee and gave rates to save her body parts intact. They were all killed by the knights of the realm 
64 They carry all their riches and gems and coins on their person at all times and will always sleep in shifts in their armour to protect it (thanks Dallas)
65 So we were making these fake goblin erotic idols and selling them to posh toffs from the city and these adventurers came and looked at them and asked us questions. They went and killed all the goblins in the area that we sorta said were in the hills to make them leave. So we quit that business and went back to selling religious relics
66 We used to employ hobgoblin workers, work hard and cheap to feed as long as nobody swears around them cos they always take it personally and starts fights. Anyway some murderous heroes came and killed them all in our old barn. Do you think I could get new workers in the barn again with all the blood and ghost stories. Had to burn it down  
67 So this lord was making peace with humanoids and even hiring them for some unpopular jobs and adventurers came and started the toubles again and tried to frame the lord as some kind of traitor by living in peace with neighbors. By the time the mess was cleared up there were many unfair deaths and the adventurers had fled
68 So these heroes brought a dragon to town with a little rope around its neck and said it was subdued. The villagers were wary but got a gold piece each. That night the dragon ate every persona and beast the size of a dog and up. Dont believe it when adventurers bring monsters into town with stories of charm spells or that monsters are just pets
69 So these armed strangers asked us about local rumours of strange doings and we said as a joke the mayor was a werewolf. They went straight to hos house and murderd him. I cant help but be haunted occasionally by the feeling I was partly responsible
70 Adventurers with pets are the worse. They let them crap anywhere and do anything and if you dare shoo a familiar off a chair you get burned by wizard fire or turned into a tree by a druid
71 So we needed mercenaries to foil a plot against the crown and every castle we raided they wanted to search everything, smashing walls, dig up graves, remove architectural features. We tried to explain the haste of our cause and they threatened to kill us all for trying to rob their rightful plunder
72 Murder hobos always hide gems in their bungholes. If you get them drunk and feed them right you can steal their chamber pots and live like a lord for life
73 So people were dying and we knew the adventurers had a priest and sent a runner. He insisted they would only heal those who immediately converted to his cult and denounced their old gods. Then after saving them he demanded they pay thousands of gold coins and demandered the be indentured servants of his church to pay for healing. If the lord and his knights did not arrive we would have been killed. It was still pretty tense before they finally left and they accepted the sick belonged to him
74 So we had to declare found treasures are examined by a priest and certified in case they were evil relics. Next thing the adventurers bring in their criminal thief guild budies to sell the relics directly to evil wizards with smugglers. And now there are more monsters and cultist everywhere using them 
75 So we were in this tavern and in came some beserks who are pretty touchy and carry weapons. Then came some adventurers also armed and words were said. What a bloodbath. Ive seen some tavern brawls but that was more bloody than my action in the war. The fire burned down half a street. What a mess
76 We had adventurers stay in the inn and share a room but some invisible beastie from the dungeon came after them and the street was in flames before they killed it. Although maybe they were just mad or pretending to fight an invisible monster or on drugs
77 We saw this adventurer die and a few months later we saw them again! They claimed a church restored them. Its unfair my old granny who hurt nobody didn't get this treatment. I guess its only for nobles and the rich and murder hobos
78 So there was this secretive galley on a private rented dock and adventurers were working on. Turns out they had crewed the ships oarmen with zombies. Just to save money they tampered with forces of life and death. There was an angry mob and they sailed away forever
79 All of adventurers relly serve orcus - change my mind! If you think about it they murder monsters that drives them to join demon cults to get revenge
80 Never smile at an adventurer - if you have good teeth they'll follow you home and murder you in your bed to get them. Especially if any are made of gold
81 Our village made a deal with adventurers to clean out the dungeon. We took everything. Cooking pots, rags, straw, bricks, doors, beams, candles, rusty weapons or anything they could sell. But I was surprised even the bones of the dead were taken to grind into soil and even monsters teeth were taken for jewellery and dentures 
82 The worse thing they did was drive farm animals down coridoors to set off traps. What did those poor animals do to deserve that?
83 So they had a deal with the sheriff that a wizard would charm prison inmates and rent them to take to dungeons with an extra fee if the convict died. When the king found out he demanded his cut
84 That bard who sang "don't let your children grow up to marry a murder hobo", well he was found dead! His had been disembowelled and had his intestine hung in the trees. The investigating cleric says the poor man had been healed several times to keep him alive in pain longer. Local magistrate has declared it death by misadventure and the victims own fault. 
85 So these heroes came and wiped out the leaders of three local cults. They took their reward and left. Then the most powerful cult lord took over the whole region with other surviving cuts swearing fealty
86 After a while I the dungeon, adventurers are slowly change. Over years they become adapted to life in the dark and killing everything in their way. 
87 Once old murder hobos have become unfit for civilised lands they are like mad dogs who must be put down. There is nothing they are not capable of and cannot be left free to roam and kill as they feel. 
88 Murder is like breathing to seasoned adventurers. Anyone near them is in peril
89 All adventuring wizards are drug addicts and they are always buying strange things for "their spells". They are always recruiting youths into their service with temptations of arcane power
90 This band of adventurers had the gall to offer pay to take my children into a dungeon for the "experience" as polebearers. Huh in my day dad would rent us out and got paid gold
91 This whole region was once frontier until the murder hobos came. They ended all the once proud goblinoids and orcs and other creatures lived in their caves and underground villages
92 So these adventurers had been in town a while and were at a wedding party and one got a bit fresh and started a fight. Next thing these maniacs had killed half the guests and stolen the wedding carriage horses. A dwarf even shat on the cake
93 Used to be a old drunk round here who was a dungeon adventurer once and some soldiers passing through gave him a hard time. He killed all of them single handed and the squad sent after him in the mountains. Some kind of berserkerganger
94 They say adventurers to give them supernatural strength and magic have secret feasts of roast baby dedicated to demon gods. They leave orc babies disguised as human ones with a deceitful glamour. Look how hard they are to kill, it is not natural
95 If a adventurer has been corrupted by evil look for the signs! Hidden fangs and claws and horns and tails and extra nipples or a blowhole or extra eyelids. A strip search should be adequate or a direction if dead by a surgeon
96 Murder hobos have hollow legs to hold more beer, they can smell gold or blood and death arouses them to to murderous rages 
97 Murder hobos are highly flammable and a holy river will drown a bound one tainted by evil 
98 Left handed adventurers have been transformed by the evil mirror world and are now doppelgangers 
99 Bury a murderhobo somewhere isolated and alone so their undead form does not arise on death. They will only taint a normal graveyard with all the dungeon juices in them
100 When a murderhobo dies you see their true form with fangs and claws and a lust for human flesh. Some burst apart and are filled with bugs and salamanders and worms


  1. Cerebus is often portrayed with three different colored heads (black, red, white), so I think that's what the dog is. I can't really tell, but isn't his tail a snake as well?

    1. hatra was a 1st century mix of rome, syria, old mesopotaimia - the tail does seem snake

      i guess its religious syncretism to blend all this stuff together from times and places

      nergal is a bit more warlike - he has a nice list of magic weapons like Ninurta

  2. This describes my longest running group far too well.


I love and welcome feedback but not spambots
Good feedback and suggestions inspire me to write more